On the wall, centered over the fireplace hung a family portrait.  I loved those years.  Oh, how the kids have grown.  Propped on the couch was the worn teddy bear my daughter clutched in her arms each night when she went to bed.

As I walked into my son’s room, I couldn’t help but feel the sadness remembering the countless nights I tucked him in bed and rubbed his back.  With a deep breath, I recounted the many parties and social gatherings we had in the bonus room.  Like most typical families, we always fought for the control of the remote.

Almost real now, I imagined the many dance parties that left us sweating with perspiration but very satisfied.  My smile quickly subsided as my eyes caught the four chairs tucked neatly under the kitchen table.  Our mealtime was a time of playful laughter and joy. As I closed the front door behind me and headed down the porch, I looked back at our three-story, 3200 square foot house we designed and built with dreams of a future with lasting memories and happiness.  Reluctantly, I had to accept that fact that my dreams would soon vanish with the pending foreclosure of my home.

Unlike millions of Americans losing their homes to the mortgage debacle, I am in the process of fighting the builder over uninsured construction defects.  Our inability to come to a mutual agreement on the compensation for damages will plague me for an estimated two year ordeal with the possibility of loss of a loved one, my home.

I have felt the pain, the anguish, the anger, the depression, the hopelessness that one experiences when their home is being taken from them.  Once unable to understand why homeowners take sludge hammers to their walls and gut their house of everything valuable, I can now relate.  I can relate to the state of despair that comes with letting go of something so dear to you as your home.  I, too, struggled with the injustice of it all.

I was quick to blame others for my fate and misfortune.

I had good days and bad days. There were days where I accepted it and was willing to make the transition.  Then there were days when I was fighting mad and determined to keep my home.  And there were many, many days where I experienced extreme swings in both feelings.  And I must confess, there was a period of time when I felt so defeated, I considered what value there was in living.

Thank goodness for my loving children and friends that reminded me of the good things in my life.  I have decided to renew my contract for living.

You’re Not Alone…

You are not alone if you are feeling these same feelings.

This is not a fun journey we share.

• It challenges the core of our strength, the existence of faith.
• It forces us to evaluate what is important.
• It beats us up and leaves us wondering if it is all worth it.

This emotional element that our mortgage holders don’t truly understand, is vitally more important to address than the financial aspect.  If we don’t stay engaged emotionally, my experience is that we are at risk of making bad financial decisions.

Hopelessness eats away at reason.

You can take my car, my belongings, my house, the very last possession I own but don’t steal my will for living.  And that is our choice.  It is entirely up to us how we choose to accept this misfortune.  I’ve accepted I’m not going to get the emotional support from the threatening form letters from my lender.  I’ve got the support from friends and family but I’m not sure they can really relate to the loss unless they have walked in our shoes.  Ultimately it is entirely up to us.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I believe everything happens for a reason.  In this situation, it seems like a curse.  How could this be happening for a reason?

But I do have a choice of how I handle it. We can look at the downside of the circumstances and get lots of sympathy but where does that really get us.

Or…

We can focus our thoughts on the positive and continue to be in search of what lessons we can learn from our misfortune. With the economy on the downturn, we are certainly not alone.  As a nation, as a people, we could choose to wallow in our pity or rise to a new way of understanding.  How am I a better person because of this experience?  How has this experienced opened my eyes to a new way of looking at life?  How can I make this experience an opportunity for change and personal growth?  Probably not what you want to hear I bet.  I get that.  It has been a challenge for me as well.  However, from a purely logical point of view, do you think you will be better off if you remain positive and look for the good or be negative and focus on all the bad aspects?

Years ago a friend introduced me to a whole new way of looking at failure. For many of us, the notion of failure is embarrassing, defeating, humiliating and on and on.  Consider your failure as a “celebration of awakening”.  Rather than beat yourself up, celebrate the gift (a gift? … I know) of looking at a disappointment or disaster as an opportunity for change.

Consider for a moment what new awareness or experiences you have had when you were forced to take a detour during road construction.  Always an inconvenience but the new route introduced you to something you hadn’t experienced before.  The same holds true here.  Consider this inconvenient detour as an opportunity to look at your life differently.  Make the choices to do the things you might not have considered in the past.  Reevaluate your priorities, your values.

No Regrets…

Have you spent entirely too much time in a job you didn’t care for just so you could pay the mortgage on the house that took up entirely too much free time to maintain?  That was my pearl.  That is the awakening I experienced in the midst of my anger and fear.

I don’t regret the years I spent as a realtor because it gave my family a wonderful lifestyle.

My children experienced their childhood in homes that most kids would dream of.  We all took it for granted. But because of my pending foreclosure, I have realized that I didn’t pursue my passion with helping people as I do now as a life coach because I didn’t believe that I could make enough money to support my lifestyle.  That doesn’t matter any more.

A forced downsizing has opened my eyes and given me the opportunity to fully embrace my passion as a speaker and trainer and devote my life to supporting parents and teens.

In fact, I found a note card from a workshop I did over ten years ago.  It read, “my goal is to do socially responsible films and speak and do workshops on topics that help parents and teens”.  It went on to say, “the obstacle is making enough money to support my family.”  My misfortune, the pain, the anguish, the hopelessness have all contributed to the impetus that persuaded me that it was time- time to do the work that I have always wanted to do.  That has truly been a gift, not a disappointment or a disaster.

My son and I recently moved from our house into a temporary 1200 square foot apartment.  It wouldn’t have been my first choice when I set my life goals twenty years ago but it feels like home…and the rent is one fourth the cost of what I am used to in housing costs.  As I sat on the edge of his bed in his new, smaller than usual bedroom, and rubbed his back, now 16 years old, Nicholas said, “Thanks, Dad”.

“Thanks for what?” I asked.

”Thanks for getting us a home.”

Now I get it: Home is what we make it.
———

Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.

by Dr. Scott Sells:

Parents that come to my office cannot understand why perfectly good rules and consequences work well with their younger children but not their difficult teenager. The reason is as simple as it is complex. Whenever you try to set down a rule or enforce a consequence, your difficult teenager has this uncanny ability of knowing how to push your buttons. Buttons are words (e.g., “I hate you”; “You never let me do anything”) or actions (e.g., a whiny voice; a disgusted look) that your teenager will intentionally use to make you lose control of your emotions and skillfully defeat you in the heat of battle. When this happens, you become angry or frustrated; this leads to an inability to think clearly and effectively enforce the best laid rules and consequences.

“I Hate You”

Fifteen-year-old Jill would yell “I hate you” each time her parents tried to enforce the rule of not going out on school nights. The parents got so upset by Jill’s yelling and screaming that they lost control of their emotions and got into a bitter argument. In turn, they became so frustrated that they gave in and let Jill leave. Jill proved she could skillfully use the tactic of yelling “I hate you” at her parents to change their moods, get them to back down, and win the argument.

To the difficult teenager, confrontations and arguments are games. The object of this game is to be the first person to control the mood or direction of any argument through the art of button-pushing. Whoever can do this first has the most power to control the other player regardless of size or weight.

If you do not believe me, go to a toy store next weekend afternoon and observe. Soon you will see a small child begin to whine to her father that she cannot live without a particular toy. The father says “no” but the daughter insists, her whines growing louder and more irritating. In response, the father gets visibly more upset and frustrated. He makes idle threats, but the daughter only whines louder until she makes a scene.

Soon thereafter you see the father at the checkout line buying the toy and the daughter smiling in triumphant victory. The daughter learns the rules of this game early in life and that physical size or strength matters little. However, parents seem to have forgotten these rules as they grew up and now unintentionally allow themselves to be defeated.

The goal is to help you regain your lost foothold and learn how to “play the game” better than your difficult teenager.  Once you learn how the game is played, you can use to end button-pushing and gain the upper hand during future arguments. When this happens, rules and consequences that never worked in the past will suddenly be effective.

I will show you the parent and you the counselor on how to identify the parents buttons or “hot spots.” Next month, I will give you several concrete strategies to stop your buttons from being pushed.

To locate the parent’s personal set of buttons ask the parent to take a moment to ask the following question:

“If you had big red buttons with names on them all over your body that your teenager pushed to make you feel upset, manipulated, angry, or frustrated, what would they be called or look like?”

Write down your top five responses to this question on a separate sheet of paper. Once you complete your list, compare it with the top ten list below. Look for similarities and differences. You may have even come up with a few that are not on the list.

Closely examine the definition of each button outlined below.

I call this my David Letterman top 10 list. Each one outlines your teenager’s underlying motive or purpose for using the particular button and how it is intended to change and impact you as the parent. Understanding the motive and intended impact behind each button will hopefully help you neutralize its effectiveness.

1. “You never let me do anything.” This statement invites you to point out specific times that you have allowed your son or daughter to do what he or she wanted. The intended purpose is to steer you away from the real issue at that moment and give your teenager the upper hand in the discussion.
2. “You don’t love me.” This statement is used by your teenager to induce guilt and make you question your self-worth as a parent. Unfortunately, many parents will take this bait instead of recognizing that asking the teenager to do something they do not like has nothing to do with love. Parents often have to administer medicine that may taste bad but is necessary for growth. Teenagers will use this phase to make you feel guilty and withdraw the rule or punishment.
3. “I hate you” or “You’re a liar/asshole/bad parent.” These statements are meant to get you to lose your temper through personal character attacks. This anger clouds your thought process and limits your ability to effectively enforce consequences.
4. “You’re not my real mother/father. I don’t have to listen to you.” This statement really unnerves stepparents, but it rarely has anything to do with whether the parent is biological or not. It is a merely another tactic by the teenager to get the stepparent flustered and angry so that they are unable to address the real issue—whether or not the rule was obeyed. Stepparents often take this statement personally. When they do, the teenager has obtained the desired effect and will achieve victory during the confrontation.
5. A disgusted look, improper gesture or whiny voice. Body language, gestures and tone of voice are some of the most powerful tools your teenager uses to toy with your emotions. Unfortunately, if you take these barbs personally and get angry or frustrated, it automatically gives your teenager the upper hand. As long as your teen knows this tactic bothers you, he or she will use it again and again in the future.
6. Preying on your most vulnerable area. Difficult teenagers will find the areas that bug you the most and then apply pressure to that area. For example, some teenagers will intentionally keep their rooms messy because of their mothers’ emphasis on cleanliness. Again, this behavior is not a personal attack but just a clever way of throwing you off balance.
7. “I’m gonna kill/hurt you/myself/others.” Such statements are meant to scare you so that you will back off and lessen the rules and consequences. Teenagers usually use threats of violence only as a last resort or if other buttons failed to work. For example, one teenager used this tactic only when swearing failed to make the parent back down. Difficult teenagers are often willing to go to this level when they know that you will get scared and back down.
8. “I am gonna lie, lie, lie.” Lying is a pet peeve of most parents and one the teenager knows will get you angry and frustrated so that they can win, win, win. You must be able to punish the lying behavior without losing your cool.
9. “I hate school.” Most parents value education. Therefore, this statement invites a lecture on how the teenager is throwing away his or her future. Teenagers normally cannot see past tomorrow, so they often do not see failing school as a problem. The teenager, however, knows how important education is to their parents and will use this statement to make you upset and gain the upper hand.
10. “I’m going to leave or run away.” This statement gets parents to back off from exerting their authority because they fear what might happen if their teenager runs away or lives on the streets. Teenagers recognize this fear and often use this statement as another effective tactic to keep you from taking action or enforcing a rule or consequence.

Once you determine your buttons, I hope it becomes clearer that the teen is not bad or mean-spirited but simply an expert in the gamesmanship of “button-pushing.” You must learn the rules of the game and play it better than your teenager. Once this happens, you will hopefully not take your teen’s button pushing tactics as personal attacks. Instead, you will see them for what they are, skillful manipulations of your emotions to gain the upper hand. Next month, I will show you how to win…the game!!!
R E F E R E N C E S

More about Dr. Sells and his treatment model for difficult teens can be found at http://www.difficult.net

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry I’m late, Mr. Johnson.  My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning.”

Employer: “Brad, this seems to be a common occurrence and it has to stop.”

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson.  I’ll try not to have it happen again.

Employer:“Try.  Try.  I can’t afford to have you try. I just need you to be on time and do your job.”

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry. I understand. It’s just that I was out late last night and I guess I just slept through my alarm.  It won’t happen again.”

Employer: “One more thing, Brad.  It has been reported to me that you are spending time during work on the internet for your personal use.  That is unacceptable and it has to stop.”

Millennial Employee: “Why?”

Employer: “Why?  You have to ask me why?”

Millennial Employee: “Well, yeah.  I’m getting my work done aren’t I?  And besides I’m just looking for a new car so I can drive to work.  That is part of the reason I am late all the time.”

Employer: “Brad, that doesn’t really matter.  I expect you to be here on time and while you are on my clock, my payroll, I want you to keep to company business and refrain from using your cell phone and the internet for your personal use.  Do you understand me?”

Millennial Employee: “Wow.  Are you saying that I can’t text my friends during work?”

Employer: “That’s right.  You can do that during your lunch break.  Is an hour enough time to get that done?”

Millennial Employee: “I have to wait until lunch to text my friends?”

Employer: “Yes, that is what I am telling you.”

Millennial Employee: “Well then, I quit.”

Employers: Does This Sound Familiar?

To an employer, does any of this sound familiar? The familiar seeming unfamiliar?  What is it about this new generation of Millennials that suggests they have privileges that no one else enjoys.  It almost appears to be a modern day Twilight Zone. What was once an acceptable standard in the work place is being challenged day after day by this new worker that feels they have entitlements that seem completely unreasonable.  Fact or fiction?  The answer: a little bit of both.

Employee coaching is on the rise and it is not surprising.  More and more employers are seeking outside consultants to help recruit, train, and retain these independent Millennials that believe another job is awaiting them with open arms.

After all, no one can operate a computer like they can.  After all, no one can run the business better than they can.  At least, they think so.  So why are they being treated so poorly? It is time for employers to recognize they are not speaking to the self-starters of the Generation X.  Like it or not, this generation will respond more favorably if they are nurtured like a loving parent.

Employee Coaches are teaching both employers on how to communicate and interact with the Millennials and educating Millennials on the reality of the responsibility of holding down a J.O.B.   Employers, frustrated with the learning curve, are contracting Employee Coaches to hold brownbag presentations and evening workshops for both themselves and their unruly employees.

In some cases, for larger companies, these Employee Coaches are working with upper management and supervisors with communication skills and ways to implement work environments that promote higher levels of performance.  For those companies struggling hopelessly for a bridge between work and play, etiquette and enjoyment, restlessness and responsibility, many of them have turned to corporate retreats that include both the employees and their supervisors.  The results have been proven to be successful by making a difference between sheer frustration and synergistic work environments where performance is defined in a whole new way.

Employers are recognizing that a new form of communicating is making all the difference in the world.  Consider the outcome of the earlier scenario with the following.

Are you willing to make the change?

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry I’m late, Mr. Johnson.  My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning.”

Employer: “Bummer, Brad.  Is there anything that I can do to help you?”

Millennial Employee: “Thanks, Mr. Johnson.  I appreciate that but I just need to get my act together.”

Employer: “How so?”

Millennial Employee: “I think I was so tired that I slept through the alarm.”

Employer: “Can you think of a way that you could overcome this challenge?”

Millennial Employee: “Uhm?  It’s just that I was out late last night and I guess I just slept through my alarm.  Maybe I should set two alarms.”
Employer: “Sounds like a good idea. Would it help if you went to bed early the nights you have to go to work?”
Millennial Employee: (Chuckle) “That would be a simple solution, huh?”

Employer: “It’s worth a try. You do know it’s really hard on me and the other staff when you are late.  If we need to explore other options, please let me know.”

Millennial Employee: “Wow. Thanks, Mr. Johnson. I really appreciate that. I won’t let you down.”

Employer: “One more thing, Brad.  It has been reported to me that you are spending time during work on the internet for your personal use. You are not alone.  It seems like a lot of our employees are spending time on their cell phones and the internet so we are having a brainstorming session after work tomorrow to discuss solutions.  Can you make arrangements to stay after work tomorrow and bring some ideas?”

Millennial Employee: “I’d love to.  In fact, I was thinking about that because I have been feeling sorta guilty.  I was wondering if it would be possible to have more frequent breaks to text my friends and take a shorter lunch break.”

Employer: “That sounds like a reasonable option.  Let’s discuss it tomorrow.”

Millennial Employee: “Awesome. You’re a cool boss, Mr. Johnson.”

Employer: “Thanks.  Now get your butt in there and get to work.”

Millennial Employee: “Okay. Okay.”

—
By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute: http://www.beyourverybest.org

Do you feel you have a great relationship with your child with open, honest communication? 

What gets in your way from communicating on more serious subjects?

Join The Conversation!

I’d love to hear what you have to say about your communication with your teen.  What gets in the way with communication with your teen right now?

Just scroll down and post your comment below… I’d be glad to answer any questions you have at all!