Millennials

I was sitting with my third therapist grappling with my unhappiness in my marriage.  I was hoping this one would provide me the answer, the solution to my discontent.

I had been married for over ten years and found myself struggling with the notion of my happiness and the tragic impact divorce would have on my two children.

My therapist asked, “Have you ever considered getting a divorce?”

Without a hesitation, I pounced back, “That is not going to happen. I have two children that I have a responsibility to and divorce is just NOT an option.”  Having heard me emphatically, the topic was never discussed again.

A Decade Later… And The Analogy…

I held onto that belief for nearly another decade. It was the sustenance that kept me going.  My belief that it was my responsibility to provide a dual parent home was the fuel that kept me going.  My relationship with my kids flourished and I consider those early years as the happiest days of my life.

Unfortunately, the same did not hold true for my relationship with my wife. We grew apart, argued more, and plodded along with the responsibility of raising children in a two-parent family.  I returned to yet another counselor seeking resolution to my dilemma.

This time I heard an analogy and I got it. This counselor explained the similarity of taking care of yourself and placing the oxygen mask over your head on an airplane before applying it to your child.

In essence, the airline wants you to take care of yourself first so you are better equipped to take care of your children.

There are many messages in this analogy.

1. First, if you are gasping for life, how can you properly serve your children? If you are not equipped with the fuel to feed your life, you won’t be equipped to do the same for your children.
2. Secondly, how can your children learn how to take care of themselves if they don’t learn it from you first.  By watching, experiencing, and learning from your actions, how can they place the oxygen mask over their face properly?  Yes, they will be successful with your assistance but don’t we want them to learn how to live independently on their own?
3. Thirdly, and most importantly, when we default to taking care of every one else before we take care of ourselves, we lose sight of our needs, our position in life.  As parents, we are often too quick to run to the rescue of our children. We are co-dependents striving to spare them from any heartache.  Isn’t that why we hesitate so long to leave a bad marriage? We want to spare our children from the pain and heartache of being in a divorced family.  Sometimes racing blindly into life support for our children before we consider ourselves first results in the child believing they will always be rescued and parent believing that it is their role, at all costs.

I Had To Live My Life

I got it.  In order for me to provide a living example of what life should be, I had to live my life.  Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? That was my biggest hurdle.

Having been raised by a mother that always put our needs first, I struggled with putting my needs before the needs of my children.  I got the analogy; it made sense to me.  Yet, I just couldn’t get to that point of accepting that raising my children in a broken family was the best thing to do.  I couldn’t pull myself to the cliff to make the mighty leap… until years later.

I was on a business trip flying back home from San Diego.  We hit turbulence, the plane bounced, and suddenly the oxygen masks dropped from above our heads.  To my left a mother scrambled to put on her oxygen mask before she assisted her daughter.  On my right, the father calmly placed his mask over his nose and then lifted the elastic over his son’s head and placed the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.  Together, both parents served their children independently before they glanced over to see how each other was doing.

Fortunately, there was no emergency on the plane that day but I got the message loud and clear.  I can be a good father to my son and my wife can be a good mother to my daughter, and visa versa, and it doesn’t change a thing.

It’s been three down and up years since my divorce.

I wouldn’t recommend divorce to any one unless they determined that they really needed to apply their own life support before they could apply it to their children.   My children have adjusted better than I expected.  Oh, they had their tearful nights and barked at me several times what a pain it is to move between houses.

It has been an adjustment but in time it has become “normal”.  I can’t be happier when I stay up until three o’clock in the morning talking and laughing with my seventeen year old daughter.  Life couldn’t be better when I exchange ideas with my son on his film production projects.  But through this all, I found, as a single parent, it is increasingly important to take care of my needs, fill my life with activities and relationships I value so that it is possible for me to give more fully to my kids and allow them to grow in their own way.

Too often divorced parents, out of guilt, give up their lives to be there completely for their kids.  They forgo their needs and overcompensate by becoming a Disneyland Parent. I learned that is not necessary, and in fact, very damaging.  My kids have learned to be more independent and self-sufficient. They have learned the lesson of overcoming adversity.  They have set goals to achieve the life they want.   It was easy at first to want to be there for them 24/7 out of guilt.  I had to work hard to not be a Disneyland Dad.  I had to temper their needs with my needs.  And we got there.

We sit at the table and enjoy a (simpler) meal, we travel together, we play together, we argue together, we laugh together, we cry together.  It’s been tough at times, better at times, joyful at most.

I recall how long it took me to accept and embrace the analogy of placing the oxygen mask on my face first.  I recall fighting the responsibility of being the perfect parent by keeping our home in tact.  I recall the challenges of my marriage and protecting the kids from the pain and suffering.

But today, my children have two parents, get two birthday cards, have both parents at their graduation, experience the gifts and blessings from both their Mom and I and have learned a powerful lesson that when they take flight as parents, they will remember to apply their oxygen mask first so they can truly live life and serve the needs of their children responsibly.

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Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry I’m late, Mr. Johnson.  My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning.”

Employer: “Brad, this seems to be a common occurrence and it has to stop.”

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson.  I’ll try not to have it happen again.

Employer:“Try.  Try.  I can’t afford to have you try. I just need you to be on time and do your job.”

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry. I understand. It’s just that I was out late last night and I guess I just slept through my alarm.  It won’t happen again.”

Employer: “One more thing, Brad.  It has been reported to me that you are spending time during work on the internet for your personal use.  That is unacceptable and it has to stop.”

Millennial Employee: “Why?”

Employer: “Why?  You have to ask me why?”

Millennial Employee: “Well, yeah.  I’m getting my work done aren’t I?  And besides I’m just looking for a new car so I can drive to work.  That is part of the reason I am late all the time.”

Employer: “Brad, that doesn’t really matter.  I expect you to be here on time and while you are on my clock, my payroll, I want you to keep to company business and refrain from using your cell phone and the internet for your personal use.  Do you understand me?”

Millennial Employee: “Wow.  Are you saying that I can’t text my friends during work?”

Employer: “That’s right.  You can do that during your lunch break.  Is an hour enough time to get that done?”

Millennial Employee: “I have to wait until lunch to text my friends?”

Employer: “Yes, that is what I am telling you.”

Millennial Employee: “Well then, I quit.”

Employers: Does This Sound Familiar?

To an employer, does any of this sound familiar? The familiar seeming unfamiliar?  What is it about this new generation of Millennials that suggests they have privileges that no one else enjoys.  It almost appears to be a modern day Twilight Zone. What was once an acceptable standard in the work place is being challenged day after day by this new worker that feels they have entitlements that seem completely unreasonable.  Fact or fiction?  The answer: a little bit of both.

Employee coaching is on the rise and it is not surprising.  More and more employers are seeking outside consultants to help recruit, train, and retain these independent Millennials that believe another job is awaiting them with open arms.

After all, no one can operate a computer like they can.  After all, no one can run the business better than they can.  At least, they think so.  So why are they being treated so poorly? It is time for employers to recognize they are not speaking to the self-starters of the Generation X.  Like it or not, this generation will respond more favorably if they are nurtured like a loving parent.

Employee Coaches are teaching both employers on how to communicate and interact with the Millennials and educating Millennials on the reality of the responsibility of holding down a J.O.B.   Employers, frustrated with the learning curve, are contracting Employee Coaches to hold brownbag presentations and evening workshops for both themselves and their unruly employees.

In some cases, for larger companies, these Employee Coaches are working with upper management and supervisors with communication skills and ways to implement work environments that promote higher levels of performance.  For those companies struggling hopelessly for a bridge between work and play, etiquette and enjoyment, restlessness and responsibility, many of them have turned to corporate retreats that include both the employees and their supervisors.  The results have been proven to be successful by making a difference between sheer frustration and synergistic work environments where performance is defined in a whole new way.

Employers are recognizing that a new form of communicating is making all the difference in the world.  Consider the outcome of the earlier scenario with the following.

Are you willing to make the change?

Millennial Employee: “I’m sorry I’m late, Mr. Johnson.  My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning.”

Employer: “Bummer, Brad.  Is there anything that I can do to help you?”

Millennial Employee: “Thanks, Mr. Johnson.  I appreciate that but I just need to get my act together.”

Employer: “How so?”

Millennial Employee: “I think I was so tired that I slept through the alarm.”

Employer: “Can you think of a way that you could overcome this challenge?”

Millennial Employee: “Uhm?  It’s just that I was out late last night and I guess I just slept through my alarm.  Maybe I should set two alarms.”
Employer: “Sounds like a good idea. Would it help if you went to bed early the nights you have to go to work?”
Millennial Employee: (Chuckle) “That would be a simple solution, huh?”

Employer: “It’s worth a try. You do know it’s really hard on me and the other staff when you are late.  If we need to explore other options, please let me know.”

Millennial Employee: “Wow. Thanks, Mr. Johnson. I really appreciate that. I won’t let you down.”

Employer: “One more thing, Brad.  It has been reported to me that you are spending time during work on the internet for your personal use. You are not alone.  It seems like a lot of our employees are spending time on their cell phones and the internet so we are having a brainstorming session after work tomorrow to discuss solutions.  Can you make arrangements to stay after work tomorrow and bring some ideas?”

Millennial Employee: “I’d love to.  In fact, I was thinking about that because I have been feeling sorta guilty.  I was wondering if it would be possible to have more frequent breaks to text my friends and take a shorter lunch break.”

Employer: “That sounds like a reasonable option.  Let’s discuss it tomorrow.”

Millennial Employee: “Awesome. You’re a cool boss, Mr. Johnson.”

Employer: “Thanks.  Now get your butt in there and get to work.”

Millennial Employee: “Okay. Okay.”

—
By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute: http://www.beyourverybest.org

During the late 60’s and into the 80’s when divorce was on the rise, children of this generation, often known as “latch-key kids”, learned how to fend for themselves.  As a necessity, these Generation X kids were independent, self-sufficient, and understood the importance of assuming responsibilities. It was a different time then.

The Millennials

Now consider this Generation of kids that were born between 1977 and 1999.  This Millennial Generation are growing up with a parenting style often referred to as “helicopter parenting”.

Always hovering, these parents are overly-involved with their children and encourage them to seek “happiness” and pamper them in ways that make them feel “special”.   According to Diane Thielfoldt and Devon Scheef in their article, “Generation X and The Millennials: What you Need to Know About Mentoring the New Generation,” they are:

“raised at the most child-centric time in our history.”

These parents are there to confront bad coaching, unfair grades, inadequate job evaluations, and interfere with almost any challenge that faces their “gifted child”.  As a result, this generation of young adults have challenges with making good decisions (because they never have to), have a difficult time with the responsibilities that come in the work place (because we do their work for them) and think they are special (because we give them a trophy for just showing up).  In short, the frustrations that come with this new generation of millennials is a direct reflection on the choices ”WE” have made as parents.

Choices Us Parents Have Made Shaped Millennials This Way…

Instead of teaching them the value of work, we encourage them to perfect their skill as an artist, athlete, or scholar. We have not expected them to participate in household chores like we did as children.  Instead, we prompt  them to achieve excellence while we pay the price (both figuratively and financially).  We shower them with praise and encourage them to set high standards.  Certainly, with these expectations, it is necessary to devote more time to achieving this level of excellence and the routine of work, for example, has to be secondary.

We are more willing to mow the lawn ourselves if it means interrupting their painting acrylic on a life-size canvas.  We relent to taking out the garbage if it gives them more time to study between club sport practices.  We forego our needs to have a clean house so they can fulfill their social calendar.

All the while, we are falling victim to “letting them off the hook” so they can excel and we can feel proud.  As we continue to indulge them and suggest that they have entitlements far greater than previous generations, they come to accept that they are special, that someone else will do it for them, that it is far easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.  And, sad but true, often they expect that no one will call them on their stuff so taking responsibility for their actions may not even require asking for forgiveness.

Consequences are far and few between

There is way too much time enjoying life to consider that there may be consequences for the bad decisions (or lack thereof) they make because Mom and Dad are far too busy or far too proud to impose them.  Self-confident to a fault.  Feeling entitled to something without much effort.   Hesitant to initiate without the input from Mom.  Not Surprising.

We ask ourselves, “Why does this generation struggle with making good decisions, demonstrate coping skills or responsible behavior, and depend so heavily on their parents?”  We really don’t have to go too far to figure out why.

It Is Time…

It is time to prepare a whole new generation of kids for the world beyond their comfortable nest at 123 Easy Street.  In order for us to properly prepare our youth for the real world, they need to develop skills for independent thinking and the notion of cause and affect.  We need to be conscious when we want to do it for them, speak in their behalf, and catch them when they fall.

It is the perfect place and time to teach them invaluable life skills while they are still in the nest.  Expecting colleges or employers of millennials to assume this responsibility is unrealistic.  Move in the direction of setting clearly defined boundaries and establish agreements that both parent and child can agree to and then let the adolescent step into their life fully by making decisions on their own.  As we did when they first learned to walk, we let them fall.

Now, the stakes are a little higher and the lessons more powerful. We need to help our children understand that they are special and that in life sometimes we have to do things we may not want to do (ie. clean our rooms, do our homework, mow the lawn, get up early).  I often say to my kids, “I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t expect this as routine.”  It is far more challenging as a parent to see to it that they keep their word, follow through on their agreements or be accountable for their behavior.  It is much easier to let it slide and that is the curse you gift your child.

It is time to re-instigate the notion that our kids are contributors to the family.  With the benefits that come as a member of the family, there are also responsibilities that must be met with accountability.  Life is about balance.  With play, there comes work.  With success, there comes failure. With mistakes, there comes learning.

• Establish family principles that you agree to live by
• Define household rules (in advance vs. “on-the-fly”)
• Empower your children to make independent decisions and let them experience the success or the failure
• Let them experience the mistakes so they can learn
• Let them experience real joy at play because they know what a hard day’s work looks like
• Seek not to be the guardian of their life; seek to be the example
• Don’t make the decision for them. Teach them how to judge.  Then let go and let them seek the truth from what  they have learned from doing it on their own.

The time is now.

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute: www.beyourverybest.org.

I hear it over and over again from employers how challenging it is to employ this generation of Millennials.

Without bias, however, there are far more stories of praise then criticism.  One cannot make generalizations about this group because they are so diverse.  I have read many articles posted on the internet about the frustrations of this workforce only to be followed by blogs from Millennials debating the assertions of ineptitude, laziness, indifference, and arrogance.

While one lacks initiative and drive another takes on leadership roles with a drive that holds foremost values that protect the interests of the community.  These humanitarian entrepreneurs are frequently referred to as “philanthrapreneurs”.  Not a bad label, not a bad shift from those of the past whose blind ambition to make money has crippled our economy.

I often wonder, would this generation of Millennials have allowed the greed if they had been in leadership roles?  Yes, these Millennials have earned self-defacing titles in many ways.  Yet, in many ways, in their incompetence, comes brilliance.

The Millennial Generation

The Millennial Generation, approximately 75 million in all, is considered  the most technically advanced group in history.  They demonstrate a preponderance for team-oriented skills, banding together like no one before them.

Having balanced multiple activities growing up, they possess natural multi-tasking talents.

They don’t mind structure… in fact, they demand it.

They don’t mind working hard, they just might need more direction.

They respect positions of authority and want to please.

They possess humanitarian attitudes to such a degree, non-profits target them for recruitment.

While they may not enjoy entry level positions, they seek to be leaders with many of them bypassing employment and jumping directly into entrepreneurial opportunities.   Since their motto is “life is to be fun”, they gravitate towards a work environment that offers working in groups (for socialization) vs. climbing the corporate ladder for the sheer purpose of being recognized for their individual endeavors (too isolated).  In short, they prefer a worldly perspective versus the promotion of self-serving grandstand proliferation.

Hiring The Millennial Generation

Doesn’t sound like a bad group of employees to bring into a company looking to expand and grow.

In fact, these talented new workers are taking on leadership roles like never before.  But how do we, as employers, corral this bunch?

First, we have to look at how they were raised. - Their DNA makeup is ingrained with the notion that they are special and they are entitled to forgo certain responsibilities so that they can focus on their greatness….. or fun.  Our generation of “helicopter parents” have seen to it that they experience few disappointments, avoid painful learning lessons, and remind them again and again that their pursuit of happiness is foremost.

Our interference with their decision making skills have impaired them from this necessary qualification for employment.  We have protected them from stumbling and falling because we have been too involved in all of their decision making. And lastly, because we were raised by parents from the depression who preached “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “you have to pay the price”, this generation of parents swung the pendulum to the far side and promoted happiness versus hard work.  They were coddled, pampered, protected, and praised.

So this generation of workers need more coddling, pampering, protecting and praise than past generations.  Fight it if you like but they need more personal attention than past employees.  They require mentoring over managing.  They desire praise over criticism.  They like to be reminded how special they are. Give them the big picture and identify how their role is crucial to meeting that awesome goal and they are motivated.  Our generation would assemble the new barbeque without the directions.  This generation depends upon it; they need direction.  Having been raised in an era of personal coaches, they need direction regardless of their IQ or confidence.  When you find yourself frustrated with their performance, ask these simple questions:

• Have I explained the big picture?

• Did I spell out the steps to get there?

• Did I praise them or encourage their greatness lately?

While Millennials respect authority, you have to earn it. Practice what you preach.  No generation before them is more willing to call B.S. on inconsistencies or inequities.  Since they love working in groups, mentor in groups. Offer suggestions on the steps they might take and encourage them to seek resources not from the phone book but from the internet. Encourage them to give ideas or suggestions.  Remind them that they are extremely important to the success of your goals and turn them loose.

An employer that learns the difference between training and mentoring will unleash the greatness that does lie within this Millennial Generation. Respected animal trainers will tell you that the success of a reliable performance animal is not in the animal but in the trainer.  It requires persistence and patience.  While the greatness of the Millennial lies within, they need, they seek your kindness and respect when you are encouraging them to reach their next level of performance.  Greatness is achieved when the permission is granted.

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By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute.  www.beyourverybest.org.