Parenting Teens

On the wall, centered over the fireplace hung a family portrait.  I loved those years.  Oh, how the kids have grown.  Propped on the couch was the worn teddy bear my daughter clutched in her arms each night when she went to bed.

As I walked into my son’s room, I couldn’t help but feel the sadness remembering the countless nights I tucked him in bed and rubbed his back.  With a deep breath, I recounted the many parties and social gatherings we had in the bonus room.  Like most typical families, we always fought for the control of the remote.

Almost real now, I imagined the many dance parties that left us sweating with perspiration but very satisfied.  My smile quickly subsided as my eyes caught the four chairs tucked neatly under the kitchen table.  Our mealtime was a time of playful laughter and joy. As I closed the front door behind me and headed down the porch, I looked back at our three-story, 3200 square foot house we designed and built with dreams of a future with lasting memories and happiness.  Reluctantly, I had to accept that fact that my dreams would soon vanish with the pending foreclosure of my home.

Unlike millions of Americans losing their homes to the mortgage debacle, I am in the process of fighting the builder over uninsured construction defects.  Our inability to come to a mutual agreement on the compensation for damages will plague me for an estimated two year ordeal with the possibility of loss of a loved one, my home.

I have felt the pain, the anguish, the anger, the depression, the hopelessness that one experiences when their home is being taken from them.  Once unable to understand why homeowners take sludge hammers to their walls and gut their house of everything valuable, I can now relate.  I can relate to the state of despair that comes with letting go of something so dear to you as your home.  I, too, struggled with the injustice of it all.

I was quick to blame others for my fate and misfortune.

I had good days and bad days. There were days where I accepted it and was willing to make the transition.  Then there were days when I was fighting mad and determined to keep my home.  And there were many, many days where I experienced extreme swings in both feelings.  And I must confess, there was a period of time when I felt so defeated, I considered what value there was in living.

Thank goodness for my loving children and friends that reminded me of the good things in my life.  I have decided to renew my contract for living.

You’re Not Alone…

You are not alone if you are feeling these same feelings.

This is not a fun journey we share.

• It challenges the core of our strength, the existence of faith.
• It forces us to evaluate what is important.
• It beats us up and leaves us wondering if it is all worth it.

This emotional element that our mortgage holders don’t truly understand, is vitally more important to address than the financial aspect.  If we don’t stay engaged emotionally, my experience is that we are at risk of making bad financial decisions.

Hopelessness eats away at reason.

You can take my car, my belongings, my house, the very last possession I own but don’t steal my will for living.  And that is our choice.  It is entirely up to us how we choose to accept this misfortune.  I’ve accepted I’m not going to get the emotional support from the threatening form letters from my lender.  I’ve got the support from friends and family but I’m not sure they can really relate to the loss unless they have walked in our shoes.  Ultimately it is entirely up to us.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I believe everything happens for a reason.  In this situation, it seems like a curse.  How could this be happening for a reason?

But I do have a choice of how I handle it. We can look at the downside of the circumstances and get lots of sympathy but where does that really get us.

Or…

We can focus our thoughts on the positive and continue to be in search of what lessons we can learn from our misfortune. With the economy on the downturn, we are certainly not alone.  As a nation, as a people, we could choose to wallow in our pity or rise to a new way of understanding.  How am I a better person because of this experience?  How has this experienced opened my eyes to a new way of looking at life?  How can I make this experience an opportunity for change and personal growth?  Probably not what you want to hear I bet.  I get that.  It has been a challenge for me as well.  However, from a purely logical point of view, do you think you will be better off if you remain positive and look for the good or be negative and focus on all the bad aspects?

Years ago a friend introduced me to a whole new way of looking at failure. For many of us, the notion of failure is embarrassing, defeating, humiliating and on and on.  Consider your failure as a “celebration of awakening”.  Rather than beat yourself up, celebrate the gift (a gift? … I know) of looking at a disappointment or disaster as an opportunity for change.

Consider for a moment what new awareness or experiences you have had when you were forced to take a detour during road construction.  Always an inconvenience but the new route introduced you to something you hadn’t experienced before.  The same holds true here.  Consider this inconvenient detour as an opportunity to look at your life differently.  Make the choices to do the things you might not have considered in the past.  Reevaluate your priorities, your values.

No Regrets…

Have you spent entirely too much time in a job you didn’t care for just so you could pay the mortgage on the house that took up entirely too much free time to maintain?  That was my pearl.  That is the awakening I experienced in the midst of my anger and fear.

I don’t regret the years I spent as a realtor because it gave my family a wonderful lifestyle.

My children experienced their childhood in homes that most kids would dream of.  We all took it for granted. But because of my pending foreclosure, I have realized that I didn’t pursue my passion with helping people as I do now as a life coach because I didn’t believe that I could make enough money to support my lifestyle.  That doesn’t matter any more.

A forced downsizing has opened my eyes and given me the opportunity to fully embrace my passion as a speaker and trainer and devote my life to supporting parents and teens.

In fact, I found a note card from a workshop I did over ten years ago.  It read, “my goal is to do socially responsible films and speak and do workshops on topics that help parents and teens”.  It went on to say, “the obstacle is making enough money to support my family.”  My misfortune, the pain, the anguish, the hopelessness have all contributed to the impetus that persuaded me that it was time- time to do the work that I have always wanted to do.  That has truly been a gift, not a disappointment or a disaster.

My son and I recently moved from our house into a temporary 1200 square foot apartment.  It wouldn’t have been my first choice when I set my life goals twenty years ago but it feels like home…and the rent is one fourth the cost of what I am used to in housing costs.  As I sat on the edge of his bed in his new, smaller than usual bedroom, and rubbed his back, now 16 years old, Nicholas said, “Thanks, Dad”.

“Thanks for what?” I asked.

”Thanks for getting us a home.”

Now I get it: Home is what we make it.
———

Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.

I was sitting with my third therapist grappling with my unhappiness in my marriage.  I was hoping this one would provide me the answer, the solution to my discontent.

I had been married for over ten years and found myself struggling with the notion of my happiness and the tragic impact divorce would have on my two children.

My therapist asked, “Have you ever considered getting a divorce?”

Without a hesitation, I pounced back, “That is not going to happen. I have two children that I have a responsibility to and divorce is just NOT an option.”  Having heard me emphatically, the topic was never discussed again.

A Decade Later… And The Analogy…

I held onto that belief for nearly another decade. It was the sustenance that kept me going.  My belief that it was my responsibility to provide a dual parent home was the fuel that kept me going.  My relationship with my kids flourished and I consider those early years as the happiest days of my life.

Unfortunately, the same did not hold true for my relationship with my wife. We grew apart, argued more, and plodded along with the responsibility of raising children in a two-parent family.  I returned to yet another counselor seeking resolution to my dilemma.

This time I heard an analogy and I got it. This counselor explained the similarity of taking care of yourself and placing the oxygen mask over your head on an airplane before applying it to your child.

In essence, the airline wants you to take care of yourself first so you are better equipped to take care of your children.

There are many messages in this analogy.

1. First, if you are gasping for life, how can you properly serve your children? If you are not equipped with the fuel to feed your life, you won’t be equipped to do the same for your children.
2. Secondly, how can your children learn how to take care of themselves if they don’t learn it from you first.  By watching, experiencing, and learning from your actions, how can they place the oxygen mask over their face properly?  Yes, they will be successful with your assistance but don’t we want them to learn how to live independently on their own?
3. Thirdly, and most importantly, when we default to taking care of every one else before we take care of ourselves, we lose sight of our needs, our position in life.  As parents, we are often too quick to run to the rescue of our children. We are co-dependents striving to spare them from any heartache.  Isn’t that why we hesitate so long to leave a bad marriage? We want to spare our children from the pain and heartache of being in a divorced family.  Sometimes racing blindly into life support for our children before we consider ourselves first results in the child believing they will always be rescued and parent believing that it is their role, at all costs.

I Had To Live My Life

I got it.  In order for me to provide a living example of what life should be, I had to live my life.  Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? That was my biggest hurdle.

Having been raised by a mother that always put our needs first, I struggled with putting my needs before the needs of my children.  I got the analogy; it made sense to me.  Yet, I just couldn’t get to that point of accepting that raising my children in a broken family was the best thing to do.  I couldn’t pull myself to the cliff to make the mighty leap… until years later.

I was on a business trip flying back home from San Diego.  We hit turbulence, the plane bounced, and suddenly the oxygen masks dropped from above our heads.  To my left a mother scrambled to put on her oxygen mask before she assisted her daughter.  On my right, the father calmly placed his mask over his nose and then lifted the elastic over his son’s head and placed the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.  Together, both parents served their children independently before they glanced over to see how each other was doing.

Fortunately, there was no emergency on the plane that day but I got the message loud and clear.  I can be a good father to my son and my wife can be a good mother to my daughter, and visa versa, and it doesn’t change a thing.

It’s been three down and up years since my divorce.

I wouldn’t recommend divorce to any one unless they determined that they really needed to apply their own life support before they could apply it to their children.   My children have adjusted better than I expected.  Oh, they had their tearful nights and barked at me several times what a pain it is to move between houses.

It has been an adjustment but in time it has become “normal”.  I can’t be happier when I stay up until three o’clock in the morning talking and laughing with my seventeen year old daughter.  Life couldn’t be better when I exchange ideas with my son on his film production projects.  But through this all, I found, as a single parent, it is increasingly important to take care of my needs, fill my life with activities and relationships I value so that it is possible for me to give more fully to my kids and allow them to grow in their own way.

Too often divorced parents, out of guilt, give up their lives to be there completely for their kids.  They forgo their needs and overcompensate by becoming a Disneyland Parent. I learned that is not necessary, and in fact, very damaging.  My kids have learned to be more independent and self-sufficient. They have learned the lesson of overcoming adversity.  They have set goals to achieve the life they want.   It was easy at first to want to be there for them 24/7 out of guilt.  I had to work hard to not be a Disneyland Dad.  I had to temper their needs with my needs.  And we got there.

We sit at the table and enjoy a (simpler) meal, we travel together, we play together, we argue together, we laugh together, we cry together.  It’s been tough at times, better at times, joyful at most.

I recall how long it took me to accept and embrace the analogy of placing the oxygen mask on my face first.  I recall fighting the responsibility of being the perfect parent by keeping our home in tact.  I recall the challenges of my marriage and protecting the kids from the pain and suffering.

But today, my children have two parents, get two birthday cards, have both parents at their graduation, experience the gifts and blessings from both their Mom and I and have learned a powerful lesson that when they take flight as parents, they will remember to apply their oxygen mask first so they can truly live life and serve the needs of their children responsibly.

———

Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.

In my teen life coaching practice I hear it over and over again, “Why can’t he/she take responsibility for their actions?; everything is always the other person’s fault”.

Our youth blame…

• Their teachers for their bad grades
• Getting fired because their boss is an idiot
• Or, fail to do just about anything because it was everyone else at fault, not them.

Frustrating to say the least. It is challenging to get through to these kids that they need to take personal responsibility for their actions.

But wait.  Wait a minute.

It doesn’t appear that anyone seems to adhere to the age old value of personal responsibility.

What happened to the tried and true values of honesty and responsibility our grandparents adhered to.  They seemed to hold integrity in the highest regard.  “My word is my bond” or “a handshake is good enough for me” exemplifies the values of trust, of integrity, and accountability.

Somewhere along the way we, as a society, have lost that.  And we can’t blame our youth if they live what they experience.  We can’t expect them to know any difference when we embody a culture that promotes excuses and forgiveness for gross negligence.  What happened to the days when people took the hit and stood up to be accountable for the mistakes they made?

Our Current Financial Meltdown

Take for example our current financial meltdown.  Perhaps I missed something but during the whole crisis, I didn’t once see the culprits step forward and admit wrong doing or, at the least, express some regret for their contribution to the crisis.   Excuse me, have you heard one of them say they are sorry?

If they did admit guilt or remorse, I didn’t hear it. Oh, I heard a lot of excuses and justification but never a notion of accountability.  (Sound familiar?)  No, they sat back and waited for the government to “bail” them out.  I kept waiting for the financial word to step in and be proactive about solving the problem.  I anticipated the creative financial minds that schemed up the sub prime loans to step up and take some responsibility by suggesting some solutions.

It never happened.

I was amazed that the CEOs of these large corporations didn’t do what small business owners do every month, pay their bills before they pay themselves. I heard plenty of side-stepping rationalization from government officials and corporate executives when confronted.  Put them in t shirts, blue jeans, and give them long, bushy hair and they sound just like the responses we get from our teenagers when confronted.

How do we expect our adolescents to learn the importance of personal accountability when we embrace corporate irresponsibility without consequences?  The financial world seems to have taken a position of being “entitled” to government intervention.  They have, without much regret, felt quite comfortable to have someone else correct their ills.

A bailout!  Sound familiar?

How often have you felt you bailed out your child for some unfortunate consequence that they were unable or “unwilling” to remedy?

We are at a crucial point in our history.

I believe this financial crisis is somewhat of a blessing.  It represents an adjustment of our values.  Unfortunately, like our kids, we as a society have a difficult time making good decisions unless we are forced to.  We have gradually over time embraced self-embellished notions of entitlements where we truly believe it is reasonable to extend ourselves into a mortgage we cannot afford, run up the credit card beyond our ability to pay, drive the fancy car, pay exorbitant salaries to movie stars, professional athletes, and CEOs, forgive politicians for being dishonest, allow insurance companies to exclude vital coverage, put entrepreneurialship over education, and forgive the ills of large corporations while small business bankruptcies are on a rise.

Perhaps these coming years of doing without might force us to look at what is important.  We might just return to values of family, justice, personal accountability, doing what is right vs. what is profitable, and taking responsibility for choices we make that move us forward with integrity.  It takes a strong man to accept failure; it takes a stronger nation to demand change.

The time has come.  We owe it to our children.

———

Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.

by Ruth S. Angaran & Tricia L. Bachus:
Parents know that teenagers today face many temptations and could be exposed to risky situations and bad influences. Moreover, parents cannot be physically present in most of the everyday situations facing adolescents.

Because parental knowledge of exactly where they are, what they are doing and whom they are with is limited, parents have to trust their teenager to be responsible, not to break rules and to do their best in school. Knowing where your teen is at all times, or parental monitoring, is crucial.

The teenager will tell you, “So is trust!” This monitoring, albeit a very important parenting skill or motivation, has two-edges. Parents’ trust in their teenager and the teen’s view of how much trust they have are both important to the relationship. As Peter Benson of the Search Institute said, “Relationships are the oxygen of human development.”

Let’s talk about the level of vigilance needed in effective monitoring first, then we can get to the discussion of the role that trust plays. You are held responsible for your teen’s behavior whether you are present or not. You must, therefore, be vigilant about their whereabouts. Both communication and monitoring have been found to be related to fewer adolescent problem behaviors in both two-parent and single parent homes

(Hartos & Power, 1997; Cohen & Rice, 1995)

Do you know, for example?

• How they spend their money?
• Where s/he is when s/he is not at home?
• Do you really know who his or her friends are?
• How much stress s/he is operating with?
• What his/her romantic concerns are?

Monitoring of adolescents activities, (their stresses and concerns, too) when they are not supervised may prompt support that the adolescent needs to facilitate positive adjustment in stressful times. Even though adolescents are learning to become autonomous and independent, they need—and it is advantageous for them to have—their parents involved in their daily lives.

Call now for a FREE life changing session with Mark at
503-819-3642:

If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, call me today- 503-819-3642:

by Ruth Angaran, M.Ed.

(A note from the author: This article developed from a response to a mom in cyberspace facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter, hence I have used “she” throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as well.)

The Beginning

Is your teenager out-of-control? Staying out all night? Not telling you where she is? Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of desperation? Do you feel it is either you or her?

Oftentimes in today’s world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you have gone on to another relationship and remarried. She was deeply hurt by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce, remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed impact on a child, sometimes surfacing in aggravated rebellion during the teen years.

THE DECISION

To turn this around will take a great deal of courage, time, and a commitment to not giving up on her, love, obviously, and patience–while at the same time devoting the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it.

THE DILEMMA

Establishing rules for them only establishes power struggles…that she knows already that she will win. She has had enough experience now to know that she can get away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is “I know I can win in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to.” Winning over you gives her a sense of power, and it does not get her what she really wants desperately– a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved. A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She looks like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.

PEACE TALKS

Somehow, you must get her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing each other in atrocious way for years, and ask yourself, your new spouse, and your other children, “What will it take from each of us to make life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?” It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back.

And, you will slip up. Know that. You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with the hurtful statement when you have been hurt. The job in the beginning will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility, respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family.

Suppose you have the following conversation:
“I want you to know that I really hate where our relationships is today. I hate how I feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you have been dishing out to me, and I want more than anything to go back to the way we were…(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing it differently around here?” AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you. If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are, or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc…Just wait: ask the question again, “Are you interested in talking with me about doing it differently, having a better relationship?”

Keep asking the question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based on mutual respect–where you can respect her and she can respect you. Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to talk out your problems. Tell her that you love her, and that you always will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior…that you could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on you.

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENS PERSPECTIVE

Having been there, and having worked with parents who have been there, I have found one of the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way–and do these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated existence from their parents–and oftentimes, I have found it is around the Mom or Dad’s choices to divorce and remarry.

If this transition doesn’t get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent–they will start hurting–either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from each other. It is hard to break–only love will break it. It took me several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along with all that you do.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

I suggest, as well, that you read Jane Bluestein’s book, “Parents, Teens and Boundaries“, because it is the flip side of this equation. You must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win.

Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely…and be prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not a command that lights the power struggle fires!

I love her example of the store closing hours:

“If the store respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed, no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in spite of what you thought the hours were.

The store is not closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It’s not closed to teach you a lesson. It’s not closed to mess with your mind. It’s just closed. Period.”

Boundaries are not punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson. They simply let them know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!

Please know that this is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time, patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation, you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents who have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to end the war in your home.

Ruth S. Angaran, M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children’s Behavior to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND–A Course for Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.
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Call now for a FREE life changing retreat or workshop with Mark at 503-819-3642

If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, or simply to inquire about booking Mark for a retreat or workshop, call or email me today - 503-819-3642.

Are you a helicopter parent?  Many parents of the Millennial generation have grown to be these types of parents… most of them not realizing that they are.

• Do you find yourself answering for your teen?

• Do you get involved with refereeing their disputes?
• Do you allow them to make decisions on their own even if you feel they are bad ones?

Join The Conversation!

I’d love to hear what you have to say about your parenting style and whether or not you consider yourself a helicopter parent.  Do you get involved in their disputes?  Do you allow them to make decisions on their own?

Just scroll down and post your comment below… I’d be glad to answer any questions you have at all!

What rules do you have about cell phone and computer use?

Are they working?

Join The Conversation!

I’d love to hear what you have to say about your teens use of their cell phone and computer.  What rules do you have for your teen?  Are they working?

Just scroll down and post your comment below… I’d be glad to answer any questions you have at all!

by Dr. Scott Sells:

Parents that come to my office cannot understand why perfectly good rules and consequences work well with their younger children but not their difficult teenager. The reason is as simple as it is complex. Whenever you try to set down a rule or enforce a consequence, your difficult teenager has this uncanny ability of knowing how to push your buttons. Buttons are words (e.g., “I hate you”; “You never let me do anything”) or actions (e.g., a whiny voice; a disgusted look) that your teenager will intentionally use to make you lose control of your emotions and skillfully defeat you in the heat of battle. When this happens, you become angry or frustrated; this leads to an inability to think clearly and effectively enforce the best laid rules and consequences.

“I Hate You”

Fifteen-year-old Jill would yell “I hate you” each time her parents tried to enforce the rule of not going out on school nights. The parents got so upset by Jill’s yelling and screaming that they lost control of their emotions and got into a bitter argument. In turn, they became so frustrated that they gave in and let Jill leave. Jill proved she could skillfully use the tactic of yelling “I hate you” at her parents to change their moods, get them to back down, and win the argument.

To the difficult teenager, confrontations and arguments are games. The object of this game is to be the first person to control the mood or direction of any argument through the art of button-pushing. Whoever can do this first has the most power to control the other player regardless of size or weight.

If you do not believe me, go to a toy store next weekend afternoon and observe. Soon you will see a small child begin to whine to her father that she cannot live without a particular toy. The father says “no” but the daughter insists, her whines growing louder and more irritating. In response, the father gets visibly more upset and frustrated. He makes idle threats, but the daughter only whines louder until she makes a scene.

Soon thereafter you see the father at the checkout line buying the toy and the daughter smiling in triumphant victory. The daughter learns the rules of this game early in life and that physical size or strength matters little. However, parents seem to have forgotten these rules as they grew up and now unintentionally allow themselves to be defeated.

The goal is to help you regain your lost foothold and learn how to “play the game” better than your difficult teenager.  Once you learn how the game is played, you can use to end button-pushing and gain the upper hand during future arguments. When this happens, rules and consequences that never worked in the past will suddenly be effective.

I will show you the parent and you the counselor on how to identify the parents buttons or “hot spots.” Next month, I will give you several concrete strategies to stop your buttons from being pushed.

To locate the parent’s personal set of buttons ask the parent to take a moment to ask the following question:

“If you had big red buttons with names on them all over your body that your teenager pushed to make you feel upset, manipulated, angry, or frustrated, what would they be called or look like?”

Write down your top five responses to this question on a separate sheet of paper. Once you complete your list, compare it with the top ten list below. Look for similarities and differences. You may have even come up with a few that are not on the list.

Closely examine the definition of each button outlined below.

I call this my David Letterman top 10 list. Each one outlines your teenager’s underlying motive or purpose for using the particular button and how it is intended to change and impact you as the parent. Understanding the motive and intended impact behind each button will hopefully help you neutralize its effectiveness.

1. “You never let me do anything.” This statement invites you to point out specific times that you have allowed your son or daughter to do what he or she wanted. The intended purpose is to steer you away from the real issue at that moment and give your teenager the upper hand in the discussion.
2. “You don’t love me.” This statement is used by your teenager to induce guilt and make you question your self-worth as a parent. Unfortunately, many parents will take this bait instead of recognizing that asking the teenager to do something they do not like has nothing to do with love. Parents often have to administer medicine that may taste bad but is necessary for growth. Teenagers will use this phase to make you feel guilty and withdraw the rule or punishment.
3. “I hate you” or “You’re a liar/asshole/bad parent.” These statements are meant to get you to lose your temper through personal character attacks. This anger clouds your thought process and limits your ability to effectively enforce consequences.
4. “You’re not my real mother/father. I don’t have to listen to you.” This statement really unnerves stepparents, but it rarely has anything to do with whether the parent is biological or not. It is a merely another tactic by the teenager to get the stepparent flustered and angry so that they are unable to address the real issue—whether or not the rule was obeyed. Stepparents often take this statement personally. When they do, the teenager has obtained the desired effect and will achieve victory during the confrontation.
5. A disgusted look, improper gesture or whiny voice. Body language, gestures and tone of voice are some of the most powerful tools your teenager uses to toy with your emotions. Unfortunately, if you take these barbs personally and get angry or frustrated, it automatically gives your teenager the upper hand. As long as your teen knows this tactic bothers you, he or she will use it again and again in the future.
6. Preying on your most vulnerable area. Difficult teenagers will find the areas that bug you the most and then apply pressure to that area. For example, some teenagers will intentionally keep their rooms messy because of their mothers’ emphasis on cleanliness. Again, this behavior is not a personal attack but just a clever way of throwing you off balance.
7. “I’m gonna kill/hurt you/myself/others.” Such statements are meant to scare you so that you will back off and lessen the rules and consequences. Teenagers usually use threats of violence only as a last resort or if other buttons failed to work. For example, one teenager used this tactic only when swearing failed to make the parent back down. Difficult teenagers are often willing to go to this level when they know that you will get scared and back down.
8. “I am gonna lie, lie, lie.” Lying is a pet peeve of most parents and one the teenager knows will get you angry and frustrated so that they can win, win, win. You must be able to punish the lying behavior without losing your cool.
9. “I hate school.” Most parents value education. Therefore, this statement invites a lecture on how the teenager is throwing away his or her future. Teenagers normally cannot see past tomorrow, so they often do not see failing school as a problem. The teenager, however, knows how important education is to their parents and will use this statement to make you upset and gain the upper hand.
10. “I’m going to leave or run away.” This statement gets parents to back off from exerting their authority because they fear what might happen if their teenager runs away or lives on the streets. Teenagers recognize this fear and often use this statement as another effective tactic to keep you from taking action or enforcing a rule or consequence.

Once you determine your buttons, I hope it becomes clearer that the teen is not bad or mean-spirited but simply an expert in the gamesmanship of “button-pushing.” You must learn the rules of the game and play it better than your teenager. Once this happens, you will hopefully not take your teen’s button pushing tactics as personal attacks. Instead, you will see them for what they are, skillful manipulations of your emotions to gain the upper hand. Next month, I will show you how to win…the game!!!
R E F E R E N C E S

More about Dr. Sells and his treatment model for difficult teens can be found at http://www.difficult.net

The Magic Pill. Isn’t that what we want as parents and employers?

We are seeking the solution to the challenges we have with raising our teens and supervising our employees.  I have just the answer. It is quit simple but grossly overlooked and even more difficult to perfect the art.

It is the Power of Asking the Question

As parents we are quick to give advice, reprimand, scold or make suggestions. As employers we are quick to bark commands, give ultimatums, demand quotas or impose warnings.

None of these work… otherwise we wouldn’t be frustrated, right?

The Power of Asking the Question is truly the answer.  I have seen miracles in my coaching by changing the paradigm from solving disagreements with confrontation and rebuttal.  It goes on and on and two things happen.  First, the problem or conflict escalates and takes the process to a more damaging conclusion.  And second, the real issue is never discussed because neither party knows what it is.

I have witnessed a harmless conversation escalate where accusations are thrown in one direction and denial and cross-accusations are thrown back.  Does any one really like being attacked or accused of something?  Then why do parents and employers give themselves permission to confront our youth?

No wonder they don’t tell the truth.  No wonder they don’t come talk to us when we have a problem or recognize an error that they made.   According to the Josephson Institute in California, 92% of our young adults have confessed that they have lied to their parents in the last year. Furthermore, a study reported that when 1,000 teens were asked, “who would you like to go to with a problem?”, almost all of them reported “my parents”.  But when asked, “who do you go to?” almost all of them reported, “anybody BUT my parents”.

What does that tell us? It screams of their desire to be honest, to approach us with a problem but they don’t feel safe.   As a parent, ask yourself how many times has your teen confessed to making a bad decision and you took the position of trying to understand their pain rather than dominate the conversation with suggestions, disappointment, or reprimands?  You have just closed the door the next time they consider confiding in you or telling you the truth.

Learning comes from self-discovery

An infant needs to take the bruises when they learn to walk.  Our adolescents need to take the same bruises only the stakes are higher.  Nothing we can do or say can replace their own self-discovery.  One way of doing that is ASKING QUESTIONS.

When you are barking back and forth with each other, there is no opportunity for the truth to surface.  Taking a defensive posture will rarely open the door to awareness. Consequently, taking a position that creates a defensive response does not move either party towards awareness and conflict resolution.  Asking questions and giving time for a response will.  When a question is tossed over to our Millennials to consider, they are forced to reflect and respond.  One does not need to be a psychic or an intuit to pull the truth from within.  I rarely accept, “I don’t know”.  I will ask, ”if you did know, what would it be?”  And remarkably there is always an answer.  We are doing our youth a disservice if we don’t empower them to take responsibility for their decisions.  We strengthen those muscles when we exercise them by asking them questions.

Whether it is in the office or in the home, I have seen miracles by asking questions.  A fallback method, a default mechanism to overcoming ALL obstacles is asking questions.  Can you recall a challenging conversation that took a twist and you discovered that what appeared to be the issue wasn’t the underlying problem.  Like an iceberg, only a small percentage of our conscious awareness is above the surface.  Lying below is a darkness that hides the truth.

By asking the questions you dig deeper and deeper, exposing more and more layers of the onion, until you discover the truth.  Again, with my coaching I have launched into a coaching session on a specific topic and find the core of the problem is entirely different.  I recall my wife coming home from a hard day at work and venting on this and that and frustrated beyond measure.  After time passed, I would ask, “and what is really bothering you?”  After pausing, she would share something entirely different.  You will learn that until you peel back the layers of the onion by asking questions you can argue and argue for hours, for months, for years and never scratch the surface.  In fact you never come close to resolving the conflict because you never tackled it in the first place.

The solution is simple, developing the skill is difficult. Recognition of it is first.  In a workshop, I rescued a parent and teen from strangling each other when they bantered back and forth with no resolve.  I replaced the mother in the exercise and simply asked questions, only questions.

After ten minutes or so, the teen changed before our eyes.   Her resentment and anger dissolved.  Her willingness to seek alternative solutions surfaced.  Her smile returned to her face.  I then asked the attendees to identify what was different.  No one noticed.  I finally resorted to spoon feeding the answer: I asked, “what is the percentage of questions that I asked to the percentage of statements I made?” The answers were mixed.  50/50.  60/40.  20/80.  They were all surprised to learn that they witnessed without their awareness that I asked questions 100% of the time and made no suggestions or comments.  Sometimes the easiest things to see are the most difficult to change.  If you don’t see them, they are impossible to change.

Practice asking questions. Consider the following:

Your Normal Statement Try These Questions Instead

• Go get your coat.                  “Do you think you will need your coat?“
• That was stupid.                  “How could you have done that differently?“
• I want you home at midnight.        “Is it unreasonable to ask that you be home by midnight?“
• I’ve told you this a million times.      “Have we already agreed to this?“
• I don’t trust you.         “Can you understand why I struggle with trusting you?“
• You are breaking the rules.         “Are you aware you are breaking the rules?”

Can you feel the difference on the “energy” of the two statements? Do you recognize how one sounds combative and the other sounds supportive with a kinder approach?  Do you see how this could make a difference in communicating with your millennial?  Do you acknowledge you are going to have to really work at asking questions?  Do you see the merits in doing so?  Did you notice this paragraph consists of 100% questions?

Nice job.  I mean, “Isn’t it great you caught on so quickly?”

———-

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute Portland, Oregon: http://www.beyourverybest.org

During the late 60’s and into the 80’s when divorce was on the rise, children of this generation, often known as “latch-key kids”, learned how to fend for themselves.  As a necessity, these Generation X kids were independent, self-sufficient, and understood the importance of assuming responsibilities. It was a different time then.

The Millennials

Now consider this Generation of kids that were born between 1977 and 1999.  This Millennial Generation are growing up with a parenting style often referred to as “helicopter parenting”.

Always hovering, these parents are overly-involved with their children and encourage them to seek “happiness” and pamper them in ways that make them feel “special”.   According to Diane Thielfoldt and Devon Scheef in their article, “Generation X and The Millennials: What you Need to Know About Mentoring the New Generation,” they are:

“raised at the most child-centric time in our history.”

These parents are there to confront bad coaching, unfair grades, inadequate job evaluations, and interfere with almost any challenge that faces their “gifted child”.  As a result, this generation of young adults have challenges with making good decisions (because they never have to), have a difficult time with the responsibilities that come in the work place (because we do their work for them) and think they are special (because we give them a trophy for just showing up).  In short, the frustrations that come with this new generation of millennials is a direct reflection on the choices ”WE” have made as parents.

Choices Us Parents Have Made Shaped Millennials This Way…

Instead of teaching them the value of work, we encourage them to perfect their skill as an artist, athlete, or scholar. We have not expected them to participate in household chores like we did as children.  Instead, we prompt  them to achieve excellence while we pay the price (both figuratively and financially).  We shower them with praise and encourage them to set high standards.  Certainly, with these expectations, it is necessary to devote more time to achieving this level of excellence and the routine of work, for example, has to be secondary.

We are more willing to mow the lawn ourselves if it means interrupting their painting acrylic on a life-size canvas.  We relent to taking out the garbage if it gives them more time to study between club sport practices.  We forego our needs to have a clean house so they can fulfill their social calendar.

All the while, we are falling victim to “letting them off the hook” so they can excel and we can feel proud.  As we continue to indulge them and suggest that they have entitlements far greater than previous generations, they come to accept that they are special, that someone else will do it for them, that it is far easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.  And, sad but true, often they expect that no one will call them on their stuff so taking responsibility for their actions may not even require asking for forgiveness.

Consequences are far and few between

There is way too much time enjoying life to consider that there may be consequences for the bad decisions (or lack thereof) they make because Mom and Dad are far too busy or far too proud to impose them.  Self-confident to a fault.  Feeling entitled to something without much effort.   Hesitant to initiate without the input from Mom.  Not Surprising.

We ask ourselves, “Why does this generation struggle with making good decisions, demonstrate coping skills or responsible behavior, and depend so heavily on their parents?”  We really don’t have to go too far to figure out why.

It Is Time…

It is time to prepare a whole new generation of kids for the world beyond their comfortable nest at 123 Easy Street.  In order for us to properly prepare our youth for the real world, they need to develop skills for independent thinking and the notion of cause and affect.  We need to be conscious when we want to do it for them, speak in their behalf, and catch them when they fall.

It is the perfect place and time to teach them invaluable life skills while they are still in the nest.  Expecting colleges or employers of millennials to assume this responsibility is unrealistic.  Move in the direction of setting clearly defined boundaries and establish agreements that both parent and child can agree to and then let the adolescent step into their life fully by making decisions on their own.  As we did when they first learned to walk, we let them fall.

Now, the stakes are a little higher and the lessons more powerful. We need to help our children understand that they are special and that in life sometimes we have to do things we may not want to do (ie. clean our rooms, do our homework, mow the lawn, get up early).  I often say to my kids, “I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t expect this as routine.”  It is far more challenging as a parent to see to it that they keep their word, follow through on their agreements or be accountable for their behavior.  It is much easier to let it slide and that is the curse you gift your child.

It is time to re-instigate the notion that our kids are contributors to the family.  With the benefits that come as a member of the family, there are also responsibilities that must be met with accountability.  Life is about balance.  With play, there comes work.  With success, there comes failure. With mistakes, there comes learning.

• Establish family principles that you agree to live by
• Define household rules (in advance vs. “on-the-fly”)
• Empower your children to make independent decisions and let them experience the success or the failure
• Let them experience the mistakes so they can learn
• Let them experience real joy at play because they know what a hard day’s work looks like
• Seek not to be the guardian of their life; seek to be the example
• Don’t make the decision for them. Teach them how to judge.  Then let go and let them seek the truth from what  they have learned from doing it on their own.

The time is now.

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute: www.beyourverybest.org.