Parenting Teen Tips

by Ruth S. Angaran & Tricia L. Bachus:
Parents know that teenagers today face many temptations and could be exposed to risky situations and bad influences. Moreover, parents cannot be physically present in most of the everyday situations facing adolescents.

Because parental knowledge of exactly where they are, what they are doing and whom they are with is limited, parents have to trust their teenager to be responsible, not to break rules and to do their best in school. Knowing where your teen is at all times, or parental monitoring, is crucial.

The teenager will tell you, “So is trust!” This monitoring, albeit a very important parenting skill or motivation, has two-edges. Parents’ trust in their teenager and the teen’s view of how much trust they have are both important to the relationship. As Peter Benson of the Search Institute said, “Relationships are the oxygen of human development.”

Let’s talk about the level of vigilance needed in effective monitoring first, then we can get to the discussion of the role that trust plays. You are held responsible for your teen’s behavior whether you are present or not. You must, therefore, be vigilant about their whereabouts. Both communication and monitoring have been found to be related to fewer adolescent problem behaviors in both two-parent and single parent homes

(Hartos & Power, 1997; Cohen & Rice, 1995)

Do you know, for example?

• How they spend their money?
• Where s/he is when s/he is not at home?
• Do you really know who his or her friends are?
• How much stress s/he is operating with?
• What his/her romantic concerns are?

Monitoring of adolescents activities, (their stresses and concerns, too) when they are not supervised may prompt support that the adolescent needs to facilitate positive adjustment in stressful times. Even though adolescents are learning to become autonomous and independent, they need—and it is advantageous for them to have—their parents involved in their daily lives.

Call now for a FREE life changing session with Mark at
503-819-3642:

If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, call me today- 503-819-3642:

by Ruth Angaran, M.Ed.

(A note from the author: This article developed from a response to a mom in cyberspace facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter, hence I have used “she” throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as well.)

The Beginning

Is your teenager out-of-control? Staying out all night? Not telling you where she is? Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of desperation? Do you feel it is either you or her?

Oftentimes in today’s world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you have gone on to another relationship and remarried. She was deeply hurt by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce, remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed impact on a child, sometimes surfacing in aggravated rebellion during the teen years.

THE DECISION

To turn this around will take a great deal of courage, time, and a commitment to not giving up on her, love, obviously, and patience–while at the same time devoting the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it.

THE DILEMMA

Establishing rules for them only establishes power struggles…that she knows already that she will win. She has had enough experience now to know that she can get away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is “I know I can win in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to.” Winning over you gives her a sense of power, and it does not get her what she really wants desperately– a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved. A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She looks like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.

PEACE TALKS

Somehow, you must get her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing each other in atrocious way for years, and ask yourself, your new spouse, and your other children, “What will it take from each of us to make life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?” It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back.

And, you will slip up. Know that. You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with the hurtful statement when you have been hurt. The job in the beginning will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility, respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family.

Suppose you have the following conversation:
“I want you to know that I really hate where our relationships is today. I hate how I feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you have been dishing out to me, and I want more than anything to go back to the way we were…(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing it differently around here?” AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you. If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are, or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc…Just wait: ask the question again, “Are you interested in talking with me about doing it differently, having a better relationship?”

Keep asking the question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based on mutual respect–where you can respect her and she can respect you. Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to talk out your problems. Tell her that you love her, and that you always will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior…that you could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on you.

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENS PERSPECTIVE

Having been there, and having worked with parents who have been there, I have found one of the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way–and do these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated existence from their parents–and oftentimes, I have found it is around the Mom or Dad’s choices to divorce and remarry.

If this transition doesn’t get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent–they will start hurting–either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from each other. It is hard to break–only love will break it. It took me several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along with all that you do.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

I suggest, as well, that you read Jane Bluestein’s book, “Parents, Teens and Boundaries“, because it is the flip side of this equation. You must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win.

Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely…and be prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not a command that lights the power struggle fires!

I love her example of the store closing hours:

“If the store respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed, no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in spite of what you thought the hours were.

The store is not closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It’s not closed to teach you a lesson. It’s not closed to mess with your mind. It’s just closed. Period.”

Boundaries are not punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson. They simply let them know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!

Please know that this is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time, patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation, you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents who have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to end the war in your home.

Ruth S. Angaran, M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children’s Behavior to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND–A Course for Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.
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Call now for a FREE life changing retreat or workshop with Mark at 503-819-3642

If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, or simply to inquire about booking Mark for a retreat or workshop, call or email me today - 503-819-3642.

Are you a helicopter parent?  Many parents of the Millennial generation have grown to be these types of parents… most of them not realizing that they are.

• Do you find yourself answering for your teen?

• Do you get involved with refereeing their disputes?
• Do you allow them to make decisions on their own even if you feel they are bad ones?

Join The Conversation!

I’d love to hear what you have to say about your parenting style and whether or not you consider yourself a helicopter parent.  Do you get involved in their disputes?  Do you allow them to make decisions on their own?

Just scroll down and post your comment below… I’d be glad to answer any questions you have at all!

The Magic Pill. Isn’t that what we want as parents and employers?

We are seeking the solution to the challenges we have with raising our teens and supervising our employees.  I have just the answer. It is quit simple but grossly overlooked and even more difficult to perfect the art.

It is the Power of Asking the Question

As parents we are quick to give advice, reprimand, scold or make suggestions. As employers we are quick to bark commands, give ultimatums, demand quotas or impose warnings.

None of these work… otherwise we wouldn’t be frustrated, right?

The Power of Asking the Question is truly the answer.  I have seen miracles in my coaching by changing the paradigm from solving disagreements with confrontation and rebuttal.  It goes on and on and two things happen.  First, the problem or conflict escalates and takes the process to a more damaging conclusion.  And second, the real issue is never discussed because neither party knows what it is.

I have witnessed a harmless conversation escalate where accusations are thrown in one direction and denial and cross-accusations are thrown back.  Does any one really like being attacked or accused of something?  Then why do parents and employers give themselves permission to confront our youth?

No wonder they don’t tell the truth.  No wonder they don’t come talk to us when we have a problem or recognize an error that they made.   According to the Josephson Institute in California, 92% of our young adults have confessed that they have lied to their parents in the last year. Furthermore, a study reported that when 1,000 teens were asked, “who would you like to go to with a problem?”, almost all of them reported “my parents”.  But when asked, “who do you go to?” almost all of them reported, “anybody BUT my parents”.

What does that tell us? It screams of their desire to be honest, to approach us with a problem but they don’t feel safe.   As a parent, ask yourself how many times has your teen confessed to making a bad decision and you took the position of trying to understand their pain rather than dominate the conversation with suggestions, disappointment, or reprimands?  You have just closed the door the next time they consider confiding in you or telling you the truth.

Learning comes from self-discovery

An infant needs to take the bruises when they learn to walk.  Our adolescents need to take the same bruises only the stakes are higher.  Nothing we can do or say can replace their own self-discovery.  One way of doing that is ASKING QUESTIONS.

When you are barking back and forth with each other, there is no opportunity for the truth to surface.  Taking a defensive posture will rarely open the door to awareness. Consequently, taking a position that creates a defensive response does not move either party towards awareness and conflict resolution.  Asking questions and giving time for a response will.  When a question is tossed over to our Millennials to consider, they are forced to reflect and respond.  One does not need to be a psychic or an intuit to pull the truth from within.  I rarely accept, “I don’t know”.  I will ask, ”if you did know, what would it be?”  And remarkably there is always an answer.  We are doing our youth a disservice if we don’t empower them to take responsibility for their decisions.  We strengthen those muscles when we exercise them by asking them questions.

Whether it is in the office or in the home, I have seen miracles by asking questions.  A fallback method, a default mechanism to overcoming ALL obstacles is asking questions.  Can you recall a challenging conversation that took a twist and you discovered that what appeared to be the issue wasn’t the underlying problem.  Like an iceberg, only a small percentage of our conscious awareness is above the surface.  Lying below is a darkness that hides the truth.

By asking the questions you dig deeper and deeper, exposing more and more layers of the onion, until you discover the truth.  Again, with my coaching I have launched into a coaching session on a specific topic and find the core of the problem is entirely different.  I recall my wife coming home from a hard day at work and venting on this and that and frustrated beyond measure.  After time passed, I would ask, “and what is really bothering you?”  After pausing, she would share something entirely different.  You will learn that until you peel back the layers of the onion by asking questions you can argue and argue for hours, for months, for years and never scratch the surface.  In fact you never come close to resolving the conflict because you never tackled it in the first place.

The solution is simple, developing the skill is difficult. Recognition of it is first.  In a workshop, I rescued a parent and teen from strangling each other when they bantered back and forth with no resolve.  I replaced the mother in the exercise and simply asked questions, only questions.

After ten minutes or so, the teen changed before our eyes.   Her resentment and anger dissolved.  Her willingness to seek alternative solutions surfaced.  Her smile returned to her face.  I then asked the attendees to identify what was different.  No one noticed.  I finally resorted to spoon feeding the answer: I asked, “what is the percentage of questions that I asked to the percentage of statements I made?” The answers were mixed.  50/50.  60/40.  20/80.  They were all surprised to learn that they witnessed without their awareness that I asked questions 100% of the time and made no suggestions or comments.  Sometimes the easiest things to see are the most difficult to change.  If you don’t see them, they are impossible to change.

Practice asking questions. Consider the following:

Your Normal Statement Try These Questions Instead

• Go get your coat.                  “Do you think you will need your coat?“
• That was stupid.                  “How could you have done that differently?“
• I want you home at midnight.        “Is it unreasonable to ask that you be home by midnight?“
• I’ve told you this a million times.      “Have we already agreed to this?“
• I don’t trust you.         “Can you understand why I struggle with trusting you?“
• You are breaking the rules.         “Are you aware you are breaking the rules?”

Can you feel the difference on the “energy” of the two statements? Do you recognize how one sounds combative and the other sounds supportive with a kinder approach?  Do you see how this could make a difference in communicating with your millennial?  Do you acknowledge you are going to have to really work at asking questions?  Do you see the merits in doing so?  Did you notice this paragraph consists of 100% questions?

Nice job.  I mean, “Isn’t it great you caught on so quickly?”

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By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute Portland, Oregon: http://www.beyourverybest.org