I was sitting with my third therapist grappling with my unhappiness in my marriage.  I was hoping this one would provide me the answer, the solution to my discontent.

I had been married for over ten years and found myself struggling with the notion of my happiness and the tragic impact divorce would have on my two children.

My therapist asked, “Have you ever considered getting a divorce?”

Without a hesitation, I pounced back, “That is not going to happen. I have two children that I have a responsibility to and divorce is just NOT an option.”  Having heard me emphatically, the topic was never discussed again.

A Decade Later… And The Analogy…

I held onto that belief for nearly another decade. It was the sustenance that kept me going.  My belief that it was my responsibility to provide a dual parent home was the fuel that kept me going.  My relationship with my kids flourished and I consider those early years as the happiest days of my life.

Unfortunately, the same did not hold true for my relationship with my wife. We grew apart, argued more, and plodded along with the responsibility of raising children in a two-parent family.  I returned to yet another counselor seeking resolution to my dilemma.

This time I heard an analogy and I got it. This counselor explained the similarity of taking care of yourself and placing the oxygen mask over your head on an airplane before applying it to your child.

In essence, the airline wants you to take care of yourself first so you are better equipped to take care of your children.

There are many messages in this analogy.

1. First, if you are gasping for life, how can you properly serve your children? If you are not equipped with the fuel to feed your life, you won’t be equipped to do the same for your children.
2. Secondly, how can your children learn how to take care of themselves if they don’t learn it from you first.  By watching, experiencing, and learning from your actions, how can they place the oxygen mask over their face properly?  Yes, they will be successful with your assistance but don’t we want them to learn how to live independently on their own?
3. Thirdly, and most importantly, when we default to taking care of every one else before we take care of ourselves, we lose sight of our needs, our position in life.  As parents, we are often too quick to run to the rescue of our children. We are co-dependents striving to spare them from any heartache.  Isn’t that why we hesitate so long to leave a bad marriage? We want to spare our children from the pain and heartache of being in a divorced family.  Sometimes racing blindly into life support for our children before we consider ourselves first results in the child believing they will always be rescued and parent believing that it is their role, at all costs.

I Had To Live My Life

I got it.  In order for me to provide a living example of what life should be, I had to live my life.  Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? That was my biggest hurdle.

Having been raised by a mother that always put our needs first, I struggled with putting my needs before the needs of my children.  I got the analogy; it made sense to me.  Yet, I just couldn’t get to that point of accepting that raising my children in a broken family was the best thing to do.  I couldn’t pull myself to the cliff to make the mighty leap… until years later.

I was on a business trip flying back home from San Diego.  We hit turbulence, the plane bounced, and suddenly the oxygen masks dropped from above our heads.  To my left a mother scrambled to put on her oxygen mask before she assisted her daughter.  On my right, the father calmly placed his mask over his nose and then lifted the elastic over his son’s head and placed the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.  Together, both parents served their children independently before they glanced over to see how each other was doing.

Fortunately, there was no emergency on the plane that day but I got the message loud and clear.  I can be a good father to my son and my wife can be a good mother to my daughter, and visa versa, and it doesn’t change a thing.

It’s been three down and up years since my divorce.

I wouldn’t recommend divorce to any one unless they determined that they really needed to apply their own life support before they could apply it to their children.   My children have adjusted better than I expected.  Oh, they had their tearful nights and barked at me several times what a pain it is to move between houses.

It has been an adjustment but in time it has become “normal”.  I can’t be happier when I stay up until three o’clock in the morning talking and laughing with my seventeen year old daughter.  Life couldn’t be better when I exchange ideas with my son on his film production projects.  But through this all, I found, as a single parent, it is increasingly important to take care of my needs, fill my life with activities and relationships I value so that it is possible for me to give more fully to my kids and allow them to grow in their own way.

Too often divorced parents, out of guilt, give up their lives to be there completely for their kids.  They forgo their needs and overcompensate by becoming a Disneyland Parent. I learned that is not necessary, and in fact, very damaging.  My kids have learned to be more independent and self-sufficient. They have learned the lesson of overcoming adversity.  They have set goals to achieve the life they want.   It was easy at first to want to be there for them 24/7 out of guilt.  I had to work hard to not be a Disneyland Dad.  I had to temper their needs with my needs.  And we got there.

We sit at the table and enjoy a (simpler) meal, we travel together, we play together, we argue together, we laugh together, we cry together.  It’s been tough at times, better at times, joyful at most.

I recall how long it took me to accept and embrace the analogy of placing the oxygen mask on my face first.  I recall fighting the responsibility of being the perfect parent by keeping our home in tact.  I recall the challenges of my marriage and protecting the kids from the pain and suffering.

But today, my children have two parents, get two birthday cards, have both parents at their graduation, experience the gifts and blessings from both their Mom and I and have learned a powerful lesson that when they take flight as parents, they will remember to apply their oxygen mask first so they can truly live life and serve the needs of their children responsibly.

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Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.