Comments for http://www.beyourverybest.org Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:37:56 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6 Comment on Parents - Does Your Teen Keep Your Agreements? by Susan http://www.beyourverybest.org/parents-does-your-teen-keep-your-agreements/342/#comment-62 Susan Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:24:41 +0000 http://www.beyourverybest.org/?p=342#comment-62 Hello Mark: Our 16 year old son is a very verbally agile and clever person who, even when an agreement is written and mutually signed, such as "shut down the computer at 9:30pm," will say such things as, "I didn't understand what you meant," or "I signed it, but I really couldn't read your handwriting so it's not valid." We're trying not to fume and explode, and punishing seems just to encounter more resistance and fury, but we're at a loss. Fortunately, he still does well as school and has a social network, but I think he perceives this back-and-forth as kind of an amusing game that's ending up being destructive to the entire familial relationship. Hello Mark: Our 16 year old son is a very verbally agile and clever person who, even when an agreement is written and mutually signed, such as “shut down the computer at 9:30pm,” will say such things as, “I didn’t understand what you meant,” or “I signed it, but I really couldn’t read your handwriting so it’s not valid.” We’re trying not to fume and explode, and punishing seems just to encounter more resistance and fury, but we’re at a loss. Fortunately, he still does well as school and has a social network, but I think he perceives this back-and-forth as kind of an amusing game that’s ending up being destructive to the entire familial relationship.

]]> Comment on Lying To The Parents: It’s All In The Game by Daisy http://www.beyourverybest.org/lying-to-parents-its-all-in-the-game/239/#comment-61 Daisy Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:42:03 +0000 http://www.beyourverybest.org/?p=239#comment-61 I overheard my 15 year old daughter on the phone last night telling one of her best friends that as a teen I smoked pot and drank a lot, mind you I never did neither and still don't, also that she smokes pot with her dad before he drops her off at home (we're divorced). I almost had a heart attack. Her father is totally against drugs too. These are all very ugly lies. She also tells her friends that she loves to be high in school and how "bad/cool" she is. The daughter I know is stubborn and loves to argue, but she pretty much obeys the rules of the home. One note: early this year I found out that she had tried pot, but she hasn't had the opportunity to do it again. How can I make her understand that she should just be herself and not lie to impress her friends, especially bragging and lying about negative things. This can ruin her reputation for the rest of her life. I overheard my 15 year old daughter on the phone last night telling one of her best friends that as a teen I smoked pot and drank a lot, mind you I never did neither and still don’t, also that she smokes pot with her dad before he drops her off at home (we’re divorced). I almost had a heart attack. Her father is totally against drugs too. These are all very ugly lies. She also tells her friends that she loves to be high in school and how “bad/cool” she is. The daughter I know is stubborn and loves to argue, but she pretty much obeys the rules of the home. One note: early this year I found out that she had tried pot, but she hasn’t had the opportunity to do it again. How can I make her understand that she should just be herself and not lie to impress her friends, especially bragging and lying about negative things. This can ruin her reputation for the rest of her life.

]]> Comment on Parents - Discuss Your Teens Cell Phone and Computer Use by Mark Hughes http://www.beyourverybest.org/parents-discuss-your-teens-cell-phone-computer-usage/332/#comment-35 Mark Hughes Wed, 05 Nov 2008 02:09:25 +0000 http://www.beyourverybest.org/?p=332#comment-35 Angela, Two things. Both of them are assumptions. I ask you to honestly reflect on both of them and respond to what I am about to say. First, I would ask you to consider how you respond to her when she is honest with you on topics that concern you or upset you and set you off in either rage, lecturing, punishing, etc. If we want our kids to be honest, we can't dictate how and what they say to us. We have to offer an environment that supports honesty without unreasonable consequences. At this point, if there are consequences, good luck on getting her to open up to you and tell the truth. You have to decide if you would prefer her to tell the truth or remind her again and again who is the boss... sorry, when it gets to this point, guess who is the boss. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there are not consequences in life but how they are administered is crucial. Secondly, if you have given her much of what she wanted when she was younger, she is just living out what she knows. Now that the stakes are higher, she is just holding firm to what she knows. Unreasonable or not, if she is indifferent to consequences and makes claims she doesn't want to grow up, you have a child that has possibly been "over entitled" and "pampered with lots of self endulgement" and now you will need to bring the balance back...and that will be challenging. Before I go into some solutions, I would like you to respond and let me know if I am close or way off base. Your honesty here is what will set you free and bring back the daughter you once had. Looking forward to hearing from you. Mark Hughes Angela,

Two things. Both of them are assumptions. I ask you to honestly reflect on both of them and respond to what I am about to say.

First, I would ask you to consider how you respond to her when she is honest with you on topics that concern you or upset you and set you off in either rage, lecturing, punishing, etc. If we want our kids to be honest, we can’t dictate how and what they say to us. We have to offer an environment that supports honesty without unreasonable consequences. At this point, if there are consequences, good luck on getting her to open up to you and tell the truth. You have to decide if you would prefer her to tell the truth or remind her again and again who is the boss… sorry, when it gets to this point, guess who is the boss. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there are not consequences in life but how they are administered is crucial.

Secondly, if you have given her much of what she wanted when she was younger, she is just living out what she knows. Now that the stakes are higher, she is just holding firm to what she knows. Unreasonable or not, if she is indifferent to consequences and makes claims she doesn’t want to grow up, you have a child that has possibly been “over entitled” and “pampered with lots of self endulgement” and now you will need to bring the balance back…and that will be challenging.

Before I go into some solutions, I would like you to respond and let me know if I am close or way off base. Your honesty here is what will set you free and bring back the daughter you once had.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Mark Hughes

]]> Comment on Parents - Are You A Helicopter Parent? by Mark Hughes http://www.beyourverybest.org/parents-are-you-a-helicopter-teen/340/#comment-34 Mark Hughes Wed, 05 Nov 2008 01:51:34 +0000 http://www.beyourverybest.org/?p=340#comment-34 My extreme apology for not responding earlier. It appears your email for some reason did not register until we made an update just recently. I would like to address your situation. Can you please update me and allow me an opportunity to assist you. Let me say this: when kids lie to their parents it means most of the time that the parents do not offer an environment that supports honesty. The teen is encouraged to lie and it results in these kind of situations. The work that needs to be done is with the boyfriend expressing his desire to be honest to his parents and requesting that they be open to a way of communicating that supports him telling the truth and getting a response that supports him telling the truth. More about this once I hear back from you on the current situation. Mark My extreme apology for not responding earlier. It appears your email for some reason did not register until we made an update just recently.

I would like to address your situation. Can you please update me and allow me an opportunity to assist you. Let me say this: when kids lie to their parents it means most of the time that the parents do not offer an environment that supports honesty. The teen is encouraged to lie and it results in these kind of situations. The work that needs to be done is with the boyfriend expressing his desire to be honest to his parents and requesting that they be open to a way of communicating that supports him telling the truth and getting a response that supports him telling the truth. More about this once I hear back from you on the current situation.

Mark

]]> Comment on Parents - Discuss Your Teens Cell Phone and Computer Use by Angela http://www.beyourverybest.org/parents-discuss-your-teens-cell-phone-computer-usage/332/#comment-30 Angela Sun, 26 Oct 2008 11:27:48 +0000 http://www.beyourverybest.org/?p=332#comment-30 We have a 14 year old daughter, she lies, and doesn't seem to care. She lied right ot my face Friday night not to get the consequences and still be able to sleep over her friends. She mentioned she does't want to grow up. HELP> We have a 14 year old daughter, she lies, and doesn’t seem to care. She lied right ot my face Friday night not to get the consequences and still be able to sleep over her friends. She mentioned she does’t want to grow up. HELP>

]]> Comment on Parents - Are You A Helicopter Parent? by Annette Tagliareni http://www.beyourverybest.org/parents-are-you-a-helicopter-teen/340/#comment-13 Annette Tagliareni Fri, 03 Oct 2008 16:23:16 +0000 http://www.beyourverybest.org/?p=340#comment-13 My daughter likes a boy whose parents will not let him have a girlfriend until football season is over. Mind you, they had their first date in March '08, went to prom, drove down the shore with friends over the summer which the parents knew about. Now that football season has begun and the kids are back at school, they went out on a date which we knew about, however, we did not know that he lied to his parents about the date. Now that homecoming is hear, the boy is not allowed to bring a date and the whole situation is causing our daughter to be hurt and frustrated by the situation. They want to go togheter, but have to be secretive about it. We are not happy with her situation and have tried to communicate to her that she should not be treated that way and that it is disrespectful to her. At his point we are concerned about our daughter's feelings, but do not know what to do because she is trying to make decisions on her own (she is almost 18). The boy is pretty much a nice kid and has not treated her badly. Help :) My daughter likes a boy whose parents will not let him have a girlfriend until football season is over. Mind you, they had their first date in March ‘08, went to prom, drove down the shore with friends over the summer which the parents knew about. Now that football season has begun and the kids are back at school, they went out on a date which we knew about, however, we did not know that he lied to his parents about the date. Now that homecoming is hear, the boy is not allowed to bring a date and the whole situation is causing our daughter to be hurt and frustrated by the situation. They want to go togheter, but have to be secretive about it. We are not happy with her situation and have tried to communicate to her that she should not be treated that way and that it is disrespectful to her. At his point we are concerned about our daughter’s feelings, but do not know what to do because she is trying to make decisions on her own (she is almost 18). The boy is pretty much a nice kid and has not treated her badly. Help :)

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