On the wall, centered over the fireplace hung a family portrait.  I loved those years.  Oh, how the kids have grown.  Propped on the couch was the worn teddy bear my daughter clutched in her arms each night when she went to bed.

As I walked into my son’s room, I couldn’t help but feel the sadness remembering the countless nights I tucked him in bed and rubbed his back.  With a deep breath, I recounted the many parties and social gatherings we had in the bonus room.  Like most typical families, we always fought for the control of the remote.

Almost real now, I imagined the many dance parties that left us sweating with perspiration but very satisfied.  My smile quickly subsided as my eyes caught the four chairs tucked neatly under the kitchen table.  Our mealtime was a time of playful laughter and joy. As I closed the front door behind me and headed down the porch, I looked back at our three-story, 3200 square foot house we designed and built with dreams of a future with lasting memories and happiness.  Reluctantly, I had to accept that fact that my dreams would soon vanish with the pending foreclosure of my home.

Unlike millions of Americans losing their homes to the mortgage debacle, I am in the process of fighting the builder over uninsured construction defects.  Our inability to come to a mutual agreement on the compensation for damages will plague me for an estimated two year ordeal with the possibility of loss of a loved one, my home.

I have felt the pain, the anguish, the anger, the depression, the hopelessness that one experiences when their home is being taken from them.  Once unable to understand why homeowners take sludge hammers to their walls and gut their house of everything valuable, I can now relate.  I can relate to the state of despair that comes with letting go of something so dear to you as your home.  I, too, struggled with the injustice of it all.

I was quick to blame others for my fate and misfortune.

I had good days and bad days. There were days where I accepted it and was willing to make the transition.  Then there were days when I was fighting mad and determined to keep my home.  And there were many, many days where I experienced extreme swings in both feelings.  And I must confess, there was a period of time when I felt so defeated, I considered what value there was in living.

Thank goodness for my loving children and friends that reminded me of the good things in my life.  I have decided to renew my contract for living.

You’re Not Alone…

You are not alone if you are feeling these same feelings.

This is not a fun journey we share.

• It challenges the core of our strength, the existence of faith.
• It forces us to evaluate what is important.
• It beats us up and leaves us wondering if it is all worth it.

This emotional element that our mortgage holders don’t truly understand, is vitally more important to address than the financial aspect.  If we don’t stay engaged emotionally, my experience is that we are at risk of making bad financial decisions.

Hopelessness eats away at reason.

You can take my car, my belongings, my house, the very last possession I own but don’t steal my will for living.  And that is our choice.  It is entirely up to us how we choose to accept this misfortune.  I’ve accepted I’m not going to get the emotional support from the threatening form letters from my lender.  I’ve got the support from friends and family but I’m not sure they can really relate to the loss unless they have walked in our shoes.  Ultimately it is entirely up to us.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I believe everything happens for a reason.  In this situation, it seems like a curse.  How could this be happening for a reason?

But I do have a choice of how I handle it. We can look at the downside of the circumstances and get lots of sympathy but where does that really get us.

Or…

We can focus our thoughts on the positive and continue to be in search of what lessons we can learn from our misfortune. With the economy on the downturn, we are certainly not alone.  As a nation, as a people, we could choose to wallow in our pity or rise to a new way of understanding.  How am I a better person because of this experience?  How has this experienced opened my eyes to a new way of looking at life?  How can I make this experience an opportunity for change and personal growth?  Probably not what you want to hear I bet.  I get that.  It has been a challenge for me as well.  However, from a purely logical point of view, do you think you will be better off if you remain positive and look for the good or be negative and focus on all the bad aspects?

Years ago a friend introduced me to a whole new way of looking at failure. For many of us, the notion of failure is embarrassing, defeating, humiliating and on and on.  Consider your failure as a “celebration of awakening”.  Rather than beat yourself up, celebrate the gift (a gift? … I know) of looking at a disappointment or disaster as an opportunity for change.

Consider for a moment what new awareness or experiences you have had when you were forced to take a detour during road construction.  Always an inconvenience but the new route introduced you to something you hadn’t experienced before.  The same holds true here.  Consider this inconvenient detour as an opportunity to look at your life differently.  Make the choices to do the things you might not have considered in the past.  Reevaluate your priorities, your values.

No Regrets…

Have you spent entirely too much time in a job you didn’t care for just so you could pay the mortgage on the house that took up entirely too much free time to maintain?  That was my pearl.  That is the awakening I experienced in the midst of my anger and fear.

I don’t regret the years I spent as a realtor because it gave my family a wonderful lifestyle.

My children experienced their childhood in homes that most kids would dream of.  We all took it for granted. But because of my pending foreclosure, I have realized that I didn’t pursue my passion with helping people as I do now as a life coach because I didn’t believe that I could make enough money to support my lifestyle.  That doesn’t matter any more.

A forced downsizing has opened my eyes and given me the opportunity to fully embrace my passion as a speaker and trainer and devote my life to supporting parents and teens.

In fact, I found a note card from a workshop I did over ten years ago.  It read, “my goal is to do socially responsible films and speak and do workshops on topics that help parents and teens”.  It went on to say, “the obstacle is making enough money to support my family.”  My misfortune, the pain, the anguish, the hopelessness have all contributed to the impetus that persuaded me that it was time- time to do the work that I have always wanted to do.  That has truly been a gift, not a disappointment or a disaster.

My son and I recently moved from our house into a temporary 1200 square foot apartment.  It wouldn’t have been my first choice when I set my life goals twenty years ago but it feels like home…and the rent is one fourth the cost of what I am used to in housing costs.  As I sat on the edge of his bed in his new, smaller than usual bedroom, and rubbed his back, now 16 years old, Nicholas said, “Thanks, Dad”.

“Thanks for what?” I asked.

”Thanks for getting us a home.”

Now I get it: Home is what we make it.
———

Mark Hughes is a parent and teen life coach and founder of The Karma Institute.  Mr. Hughes holds workshops and speaks nationally on the topics of parenting teens, hiring Millennials, divorce recovery, and overcoming adversity.  He can be best reached through the contact page.

by Ruth S. Angaran & Tricia L. Bachus:
Parents know that teenagers today face many temptations and could be exposed to risky situations and bad influences. Moreover, parents cannot be physically present in most of the everyday situations facing adolescents.

Because parental knowledge of exactly where they are, what they are doing and whom they are with is limited, parents have to trust their teenager to be responsible, not to break rules and to do their best in school. Knowing where your teen is at all times, or parental monitoring, is crucial.

The teenager will tell you, “So is trust!” This monitoring, albeit a very important parenting skill or motivation, has two-edges. Parents’ trust in their teenager and the teen’s view of how much trust they have are both important to the relationship. As Peter Benson of the Search Institute said, “Relationships are the oxygen of human development.”

Let’s talk about the level of vigilance needed in effective monitoring first, then we can get to the discussion of the role that trust plays. You are held responsible for your teen’s behavior whether you are present or not. You must, therefore, be vigilant about their whereabouts. Both communication and monitoring have been found to be related to fewer adolescent problem behaviors in both two-parent and single parent homes

(Hartos & Power, 1997; Cohen & Rice, 1995)

Do you know, for example?

• How they spend their money?
• Where s/he is when s/he is not at home?
• Do you really know who his or her friends are?
• How much stress s/he is operating with?
• What his/her romantic concerns are?

Monitoring of adolescents activities, (their stresses and concerns, too) when they are not supervised may prompt support that the adolescent needs to facilitate positive adjustment in stressful times. Even though adolescents are learning to become autonomous and independent, they need—and it is advantageous for them to have—their parents involved in their daily lives.

Call now for a FREE life changing session with Mark at
503-819-3642:

If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, call me today- 503-819-3642:

by Ruth Angaran, M.Ed.

(A note from the author: This article developed from a response to a mom in cyberspace facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter, hence I have used “she” throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as well.)

The Beginning

Is your teenager out-of-control? Staying out all night? Not telling you where she is? Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of desperation? Do you feel it is either you or her?

Oftentimes in today’s world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you have gone on to another relationship and remarried. She was deeply hurt by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce, remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed impact on a child, sometimes surfacing in aggravated rebellion during the teen years.

THE DECISION

To turn this around will take a great deal of courage, time, and a commitment to not giving up on her, love, obviously, and patience–while at the same time devoting the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it.

THE DILEMMA

Establishing rules for them only establishes power struggles…that she knows already that she will win. She has had enough experience now to know that she can get away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is “I know I can win in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to.” Winning over you gives her a sense of power, and it does not get her what she really wants desperately– a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved. A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She looks like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.

PEACE TALKS

Somehow, you must get her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing each other in atrocious way for years, and ask yourself, your new spouse, and your other children, “What will it take from each of us to make life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?” It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back.

And, you will slip up. Know that. You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with the hurtful statement when you have been hurt. The job in the beginning will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility, respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family.

Suppose you have the following conversation:
“I want you to know that I really hate where our relationships is today. I hate how I feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you have been dishing out to me, and I want more than anything to go back to the way we were…(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing it differently around here?” AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you. If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are, or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc…Just wait: ask the question again, “Are you interested in talking with me about doing it differently, having a better relationship?”

Keep asking the question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based on mutual respect–where you can respect her and she can respect you. Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to talk out your problems. Tell her that you love her, and that you always will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior…that you could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on you.

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENS PERSPECTIVE

Having been there, and having worked with parents who have been there, I have found one of the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way–and do these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated existence from their parents–and oftentimes, I have found it is around the Mom or Dad’s choices to divorce and remarry.

If this transition doesn’t get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent–they will start hurting–either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from each other. It is hard to break–only love will break it. It took me several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along with all that you do.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

I suggest, as well, that you read Jane Bluestein’s book, “Parents, Teens and Boundaries“, because it is the flip side of this equation. You must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win.

Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely…and be prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not a command that lights the power struggle fires!

I love her example of the store closing hours:

“If the store respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed, no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in spite of what you thought the hours were.

The store is not closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It’s not closed to teach you a lesson. It’s not closed to mess with your mind. It’s just closed. Period.”

Boundaries are not punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson. They simply let them know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!

Please know that this is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time, patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation, you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents who have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to end the war in your home.

Ruth S. Angaran, M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children’s Behavior to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND–A Course for Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.
—

Call now for a FREE life changing retreat or workshop with Mark at 503-819-3642

If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, or simply to inquire about booking Mark for a retreat or workshop, call or email me today - 503-819-3642.

What rules do you have about cell phone and computer use?

Are they working?

Join The Conversation!

I’d love to hear what you have to say about your teens use of their cell phone and computer.  What rules do you have for your teen?  Are they working?

Just scroll down and post your comment below… I’d be glad to answer any questions you have at all!

For those young adults that are 29 years old or younger, the pursuit of career satisfaction is mixed.

This Millennial Generation is considered to be the most highly technically skilled group to come along. They are also the most frustrating because they think they are so special.  They often don’t want the entry level jobs offered to them by upper management; they want the upper management jobs.

“What do you mean I have to start in the mail room?  Mail rooms are for losers.  I deserve better then that.  I know so because my parents told me so, my softball coach told me so, my club volleyball coach told me so, my trainer told me so, the camp counselor told me so, and, oh did I say my Mom and Dad told me so“.

Years of conditioning has generated a wave of young adults that think they are good at what they do and they can get what they want.  Sacrificing and compromising is a thing of the past.

This generation isn’t willing to make the sacrifices in lifestyle and company politics.  They want to build a better life and live the dream. They want more balance then their parents experienced.  They see work as a necessity but don’t want it to take over their lives like it did for Dad.  In addition, many of them have watched their parents suffer from corporate disloyalty and don’t want that to happen to them.

If they don’t want to wear the clothes, work indoors, meet quotas, be on time, work overtime, climb the ladder, collect the watch, they won’t. If being the president of their own company that makes the rules gives them the freedom they demand, they are more likely to form a corporation then complete a job application.  If they feel what they want isn’t what the boss offers, they would rather go out and develop their perfect job themselves.  Even better, they might form businesses with their friends.  Why not?  When they grew up together playing baseball, going to camps, chillin’ at the mall, and taking a party bus to the prom, why not form a company together.  With their expertise on the net, their ability to shortcut routine start up costs with virtual offices and their ease with techno-gadgets, more and more Millennials are finding it easier to become entrepreneurs without the financial burdens of their ancestors.

Have Millennials Learned The Challenge of Entrepreneurship?

Have they learned the challenges of running their own business means longer hours and more stress?  According to a Pew Research Center poll of 2,003 Americans over the age of 18, the self-employed are more satisfied with their jobs than are other workers.  They are more satisfied with their salaries, the job security, opportunities for advancement, the flexibility of hours and the degree of stress associated with their work.

So popular is this trend, more and more colleges are offering curriculum’s in Entrepreneurship, sometimes offering seed monies to help their graduates launch their endeavors. Having grown up with the mentality of having it all and being funded by their parents, what could be better for this Millennial Generation to go after exactly what they want and get funded the money to make it happen.

Talk about flexibility and humanitarian efforts and you have won the hearts of this generation. And nonprofit organizations are taking advantage of that.  They are directing their recruitment efforts to include this new generation of worldly-do-gooders.  They emphasize the benefits of doing good in the world and the nets are filling up with an abundant supply of employees seeking personal satisfaction over financial gratification.  Non profits have learned that it is more important to emphasize how they are adhering to their organization’s values rather than offering lucrative employee benefits (because they can’t). Instead they are revamping their benefits plans to include lifestyle benefits like “family care” and flexible working hours.  It seems to be working.

Millennials and Non-Profits: How To Recruit and Keep Millennials

According to the Johns Hopkins University Nonprofit Listening Post Project, “appealing to the millennial generation is one of four key workforce recruitment and retention strategies identified by the nonprofit practitioners.” The study goes on to report that if the non-profits can attract Millennials to consider working with them as interns and learn the “essence” of their mission, they have as high as a 60% chance that the interns will remain with them in (low) paying positions each year.

Regardless of their GPA, research has indicated that graduating seniors are selecting up to as many as four non-profits out of the top ten companies to work for.  Certainly, there is a shift from seeking jobs on Wall Street to jobs with a cause.

Private sector companies are struggling to find their place in this arena of recruiting Millennials.  They are having to make adjustments to their communication style, working conditions, quotas, and the true meaning of success and “service”.   More importantly, they are having to address the “programming” that has taken place with their concept of an “authoritative figure”.  While Millennials respect authority, they interact quite differently than previous generations. From their parents to personal coaches, this generation is accustom to mentoring versus disciplining.  Much greater attention needs to be devoted to their “wellbeing” than to their “performance”.  Nurture this group and let them know you care and they will do whatever they can to hurdle that challenge, take it into the end zone or hit it out of the park.  After all, that is what they can relate to.  They are not a lazy group but a group that is used to coaches that teach them the techniques.  Once they get the confidence of their superior as one that wants them to personally achieve, they will rise to the challenge.  They want to make Mom and Dad proud.

Corporate America Needs To Adapt to Needs of Millennials

Corporate America must tackle the institution of family or bridge the gap between performance and “holding their hands”.  Colleges are introducing freshman orientation programs that not only emphasize the separation of student and parent but enforce it by removing the parents from their child’s orientation by providing two entirely different orientations.  One throws the student into the responsibility for making their own decisions while the other repeatedly reminds the parents (politely) to “back off”.  They ask parents to not get involved in their child’s roommate disputes, conflicts with their professors, or interfere in their academic studies.

Following suit, Merril Lynch has held an orientation for the parents of their new Millennial employees in an effort to soften the separation of the “overly involved parent” with their child in their new job.  This generation of parents perceive their involvement in their child’s employment is reasonable because they see it as an investment.  All those years of sacrificing for their child’s “excellence” cannot go unrewarded when it comes time to their career.  This is truly a mind set of these Millennial’s parents.  That is why many Fortune 500 companies are developing job application forms and interview packages with the parent in mind.  They have come to accept it, like it or not, they have to get past the “gate-keeper” as well as the applicant if they are going to be successful in recruiting qualified new employees.  Human Resources, be forewarned: with the growing number of Millennials living at home, don’t be surprised by the ongoing involvement of Mom and Dad requesting copies of their employment benefits package or a meeting with their supervisor to discuss their recent evaluation.

It’s not all bad news. Successfully understanding this group can make the difference between frustration and exhilaration.  Key adjustments need to be made when you are recruiting.  Millennials are more likely to take a job if they recognize the following:

• Let them know that they are part of a “big picture” and you’re your company has great integrity in making a difference in the world.  They are a vital part of making that happen.

• Demonstrate a fun and relaxed environment. Show them that you are committed to the balance of work and play.  Tell them about your Friday-After-Work-Romps or your company softball team or your Monday Morning Continental Breakfasts or your mid-week Power Massages. Who wouldn’t want to work for you?

• Introduce your TEAM concept where the Millennial will have a team mentor and opportunities to do projects with a group of people.  This job is NOT all about independent study.

• Set up programs that reward the employee for initiative and excellence. They like trophies.  Help them establish career goals and benchmarks to meet along the way.

• Let them know you care. Learn to ask questions rather than make demands.  Be willing to change the way you motivate or reach quotas by connecting more at the heart than at the mind.

This is a generation that adheres to “they don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care”.  Those companies that give up the fight of what’s reasonable and accepts the beauty and the brilliance that resides within this generation will experience increased sales, higher employee productivity, greater employee satisfaction and retention, and a satisfaction that comes with those that place global consciousness over greed.

—

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute: http://www.beyourverybest.org

by Dr. Scott Sells:

Parents that come to my office cannot understand why perfectly good rules and consequences work well with their younger children but not their difficult teenager. The reason is as simple as it is complex. Whenever you try to set down a rule or enforce a consequence, your difficult teenager has this uncanny ability of knowing how to push your buttons. Buttons are words (e.g., “I hate you”; “You never let me do anything”) or actions (e.g., a whiny voice; a disgusted look) that your teenager will intentionally use to make you lose control of your emotions and skillfully defeat you in the heat of battle. When this happens, you become angry or frustrated; this leads to an inability to think clearly and effectively enforce the best laid rules and consequences.

“I Hate You”

Fifteen-year-old Jill would yell “I hate you” each time her parents tried to enforce the rule of not going out on school nights. The parents got so upset by Jill’s yelling and screaming that they lost control of their emotions and got into a bitter argument. In turn, they became so frustrated that they gave in and let Jill leave. Jill proved she could skillfully use the tactic of yelling “I hate you” at her parents to change their moods, get them to back down, and win the argument.

To the difficult teenager, confrontations and arguments are games. The object of this game is to be the first person to control the mood or direction of any argument through the art of button-pushing. Whoever can do this first has the most power to control the other player regardless of size or weight.

If you do not believe me, go to a toy store next weekend afternoon and observe. Soon you will see a small child begin to whine to her father that she cannot live without a particular toy. The father says “no” but the daughter insists, her whines growing louder and more irritating. In response, the father gets visibly more upset and frustrated. He makes idle threats, but the daughter only whines louder until she makes a scene.

Soon thereafter you see the father at the checkout line buying the toy and the daughter smiling in triumphant victory. The daughter learns the rules of this game early in life and that physical size or strength matters little. However, parents seem to have forgotten these rules as they grew up and now unintentionally allow themselves to be defeated.

The goal is to help you regain your lost foothold and learn how to “play the game” better than your difficult teenager.  Once you learn how the game is played, you can use to end button-pushing and gain the upper hand during future arguments. When this happens, rules and consequences that never worked in the past will suddenly be effective.

I will show you the parent and you the counselor on how to identify the parents buttons or “hot spots.” Next month, I will give you several concrete strategies to stop your buttons from being pushed.

To locate the parent’s personal set of buttons ask the parent to take a moment to ask the following question:

“If you had big red buttons with names on them all over your body that your teenager pushed to make you feel upset, manipulated, angry, or frustrated, what would they be called or look like?”

Write down your top five responses to this question on a separate sheet of paper. Once you complete your list, compare it with the top ten list below. Look for similarities and differences. You may have even come up with a few that are not on the list.

Closely examine the definition of each button outlined below.

I call this my David Letterman top 10 list. Each one outlines your teenager’s underlying motive or purpose for using the particular button and how it is intended to change and impact you as the parent. Understanding the motive and intended impact behind each button will hopefully help you neutralize its effectiveness.

1. “You never let me do anything.” This statement invites you to point out specific times that you have allowed your son or daughter to do what he or she wanted. The intended purpose is to steer you away from the real issue at that moment and give your teenager the upper hand in the discussion.
2. “You don’t love me.” This statement is used by your teenager to induce guilt and make you question your self-worth as a parent. Unfortunately, many parents will take this bait instead of recognizing that asking the teenager to do something they do not like has nothing to do with love. Parents often have to administer medicine that may taste bad but is necessary for growth. Teenagers will use this phase to make you feel guilty and withdraw the rule or punishment.
3. “I hate you” or “You’re a liar/asshole/bad parent.” These statements are meant to get you to lose your temper through personal character attacks. This anger clouds your thought process and limits your ability to effectively enforce consequences.
4. “You’re not my real mother/father. I don’t have to listen to you.” This statement really unnerves stepparents, but it rarely has anything to do with whether the parent is biological or not. It is a merely another tactic by the teenager to get the stepparent flustered and angry so that they are unable to address the real issue—whether or not the rule was obeyed. Stepparents often take this statement personally. When they do, the teenager has obtained the desired effect and will achieve victory during the confrontation.
5. A disgusted look, improper gesture or whiny voice. Body language, gestures and tone of voice are some of the most powerful tools your teenager uses to toy with your emotions. Unfortunately, if you take these barbs personally and get angry or frustrated, it automatically gives your teenager the upper hand. As long as your teen knows this tactic bothers you, he or she will use it again and again in the future.
6. Preying on your most vulnerable area. Difficult teenagers will find the areas that bug you the most and then apply pressure to that area. For example, some teenagers will intentionally keep their rooms messy because of their mothers’ emphasis on cleanliness. Again, this behavior is not a personal attack but just a clever way of throwing you off balance.
7. “I’m gonna kill/hurt you/myself/others.” Such statements are meant to scare you so that you will back off and lessen the rules and consequences. Teenagers usually use threats of violence only as a last resort or if other buttons failed to work. For example, one teenager used this tactic only when swearing failed to make the parent back down. Difficult teenagers are often willing to go to this level when they know that you will get scared and back down.
8. “I am gonna lie, lie, lie.” Lying is a pet peeve of most parents and one the teenager knows will get you angry and frustrated so that they can win, win, win. You must be able to punish the lying behavior without losing your cool.
9. “I hate school.” Most parents value education. Therefore, this statement invites a lecture on how the teenager is throwing away his or her future. Teenagers normally cannot see past tomorrow, so they often do not see failing school as a problem. The teenager, however, knows how important education is to their parents and will use this statement to make you upset and gain the upper hand.
10. “I’m going to leave or run away.” This statement gets parents to back off from exerting their authority because they fear what might happen if their teenager runs away or lives on the streets. Teenagers recognize this fear and often use this statement as another effective tactic to keep you from taking action or enforcing a rule or consequence.

Once you determine your buttons, I hope it becomes clearer that the teen is not bad or mean-spirited but simply an expert in the gamesmanship of “button-pushing.” You must learn the rules of the game and play it better than your teenager. Once this happens, you will hopefully not take your teen’s button pushing tactics as personal attacks. Instead, you will see them for what they are, skillful manipulations of your emotions to gain the upper hand. Next month, I will show you how to win…the game!!!
R E F E R E N C E S

More about Dr. Sells and his treatment model for difficult teens can be found at http://www.difficult.net

The Magic Pill. Isn’t that what we want as parents and employers?

We are seeking the solution to the challenges we have with raising our teens and supervising our employees.  I have just the answer. It is quit simple but grossly overlooked and even more difficult to perfect the art.

It is the Power of Asking the Question

As parents we are quick to give advice, reprimand, scold or make suggestions. As employers we are quick to bark commands, give ultimatums, demand quotas or impose warnings.

None of these work… otherwise we wouldn’t be frustrated, right?

The Power of Asking the Question is truly the answer.  I have seen miracles in my coaching by changing the paradigm from solving disagreements with confrontation and rebuttal.  It goes on and on and two things happen.  First, the problem or conflict escalates and takes the process to a more damaging conclusion.  And second, the real issue is never discussed because neither party knows what it is.

I have witnessed a harmless conversation escalate where accusations are thrown in one direction and denial and cross-accusations are thrown back.  Does any one really like being attacked or accused of something?  Then why do parents and employers give themselves permission to confront our youth?

No wonder they don’t tell the truth.  No wonder they don’t come talk to us when we have a problem or recognize an error that they made.   According to the Josephson Institute in California, 92% of our young adults have confessed that they have lied to their parents in the last year. Furthermore, a study reported that when 1,000 teens were asked, “who would you like to go to with a problem?”, almost all of them reported “my parents”.  But when asked, “who do you go to?” almost all of them reported, “anybody BUT my parents”.

What does that tell us? It screams of their desire to be honest, to approach us with a problem but they don’t feel safe.   As a parent, ask yourself how many times has your teen confessed to making a bad decision and you took the position of trying to understand their pain rather than dominate the conversation with suggestions, disappointment, or reprimands?  You have just closed the door the next time they consider confiding in you or telling you the truth.

Learning comes from self-discovery

An infant needs to take the bruises when they learn to walk.  Our adolescents need to take the same bruises only the stakes are higher.  Nothing we can do or say can replace their own self-discovery.  One way of doing that is ASKING QUESTIONS.

When you are barking back and forth with each other, there is no opportunity for the truth to surface.  Taking a defensive posture will rarely open the door to awareness. Consequently, taking a position that creates a defensive response does not move either party towards awareness and conflict resolution.  Asking questions and giving time for a response will.  When a question is tossed over to our Millennials to consider, they are forced to reflect and respond.  One does not need to be a psychic or an intuit to pull the truth from within.  I rarely accept, “I don’t know”.  I will ask, ”if you did know, what would it be?”  And remarkably there is always an answer.  We are doing our youth a disservice if we don’t empower them to take responsibility for their decisions.  We strengthen those muscles when we exercise them by asking them questions.

Whether it is in the office or in the home, I have seen miracles by asking questions.  A fallback method, a default mechanism to overcoming ALL obstacles is asking questions.  Can you recall a challenging conversation that took a twist and you discovered that what appeared to be the issue wasn’t the underlying problem.  Like an iceberg, only a small percentage of our conscious awareness is above the surface.  Lying below is a darkness that hides the truth.

By asking the questions you dig deeper and deeper, exposing more and more layers of the onion, until you discover the truth.  Again, with my coaching I have launched into a coaching session on a specific topic and find the core of the problem is entirely different.  I recall my wife coming home from a hard day at work and venting on this and that and frustrated beyond measure.  After time passed, I would ask, “and what is really bothering you?”  After pausing, she would share something entirely different.  You will learn that until you peel back the layers of the onion by asking questions you can argue and argue for hours, for months, for years and never scratch the surface.  In fact you never come close to resolving the conflict because you never tackled it in the first place.

The solution is simple, developing the skill is difficult. Recognition of it is first.  In a workshop, I rescued a parent and teen from strangling each other when they bantered back and forth with no resolve.  I replaced the mother in the exercise and simply asked questions, only questions.

After ten minutes or so, the teen changed before our eyes.   Her resentment and anger dissolved.  Her willingness to seek alternative solutions surfaced.  Her smile returned to her face.  I then asked the attendees to identify what was different.  No one noticed.  I finally resorted to spoon feeding the answer: I asked, “what is the percentage of questions that I asked to the percentage of statements I made?” The answers were mixed.  50/50.  60/40.  20/80.  They were all surprised to learn that they witnessed without their awareness that I asked questions 100% of the time and made no suggestions or comments.  Sometimes the easiest things to see are the most difficult to change.  If you don’t see them, they are impossible to change.

Practice asking questions. Consider the following:

Your Normal Statement Try These Questions Instead

• Go get your coat.                  “Do you think you will need your coat?“
• That was stupid.                  “How could you have done that differently?“
• I want you home at midnight.        “Is it unreasonable to ask that you be home by midnight?“
• I’ve told you this a million times.      “Have we already agreed to this?“
• I don’t trust you.         “Can you understand why I struggle with trusting you?“
• You are breaking the rules.         “Are you aware you are breaking the rules?”

Can you feel the difference on the “energy” of the two statements? Do you recognize how one sounds combative and the other sounds supportive with a kinder approach?  Do you see how this could make a difference in communicating with your millennial?  Do you acknowledge you are going to have to really work at asking questions?  Do you see the merits in doing so?  Did you notice this paragraph consists of 100% questions?

Nice job.  I mean, “Isn’t it great you caught on so quickly?”

———-

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute Portland, Oregon: http://www.beyourverybest.org

During the late 60’s and into the 80’s when divorce was on the rise, children of this generation, often known as “latch-key kids”, learned how to fend for themselves.  As a necessity, these Generation X kids were independent, self-sufficient, and understood the importance of assuming responsibilities. It was a different time then.

The Millennials

Now consider this Generation of kids that were born between 1977 and 1999.  This Millennial Generation are growing up with a parenting style often referred to as “helicopter parenting”.

Always hovering, these parents are overly-involved with their children and encourage them to seek “happiness” and pamper them in ways that make them feel “special”.   According to Diane Thielfoldt and Devon Scheef in their article, “Generation X and The Millennials: What you Need to Know About Mentoring the New Generation,” they are:

“raised at the most child-centric time in our history.”

These parents are there to confront bad coaching, unfair grades, inadequate job evaluations, and interfere with almost any challenge that faces their “gifted child”.  As a result, this generation of young adults have challenges with making good decisions (because they never have to), have a difficult time with the responsibilities that come in the work place (because we do their work for them) and think they are special (because we give them a trophy for just showing up).  In short, the frustrations that come with this new generation of millennials is a direct reflection on the choices ”WE” have made as parents.

Choices Us Parents Have Made Shaped Millennials This Way…

Instead of teaching them the value of work, we encourage them to perfect their skill as an artist, athlete, or scholar. We have not expected them to participate in household chores like we did as children.  Instead, we prompt  them to achieve excellence while we pay the price (both figuratively and financially).  We shower them with praise and encourage them to set high standards.  Certainly, with these expectations, it is necessary to devote more time to achieving this level of excellence and the routine of work, for example, has to be secondary.

We are more willing to mow the lawn ourselves if it means interrupting their painting acrylic on a life-size canvas.  We relent to taking out the garbage if it gives them more time to study between club sport practices.  We forego our needs to have a clean house so they can fulfill their social calendar.

All the while, we are falling victim to “letting them off the hook” so they can excel and we can feel proud.  As we continue to indulge them and suggest that they have entitlements far greater than previous generations, they come to accept that they are special, that someone else will do it for them, that it is far easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.  And, sad but true, often they expect that no one will call them on their stuff so taking responsibility for their actions may not even require asking for forgiveness.

Consequences are far and few between

There is way too much time enjoying life to consider that there may be consequences for the bad decisions (or lack thereof) they make because Mom and Dad are far too busy or far too proud to impose them.  Self-confident to a fault.  Feeling entitled to something without much effort.   Hesitant to initiate without the input from Mom.  Not Surprising.

We ask ourselves, “Why does this generation struggle with making good decisions, demonstrate coping skills or responsible behavior, and depend so heavily on their parents?”  We really don’t have to go too far to figure out why.

It Is Time…

It is time to prepare a whole new generation of kids for the world beyond their comfortable nest at 123 Easy Street.  In order for us to properly prepare our youth for the real world, they need to develop skills for independent thinking and the notion of cause and affect.  We need to be conscious when we want to do it for them, speak in their behalf, and catch them when they fall.

It is the perfect place and time to teach them invaluable life skills while they are still in the nest.  Expecting colleges or employers of millennials to assume this responsibility is unrealistic.  Move in the direction of setting clearly defined boundaries and establish agreements that both parent and child can agree to and then let the adolescent step into their life fully by making decisions on their own.  As we did when they first learned to walk, we let them fall.

Now, the stakes are a little higher and the lessons more powerful. We need to help our children understand that they are special and that in life sometimes we have to do things we may not want to do (ie. clean our rooms, do our homework, mow the lawn, get up early).  I often say to my kids, “I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t expect this as routine.”  It is far more challenging as a parent to see to it that they keep their word, follow through on their agreements or be accountable for their behavior.  It is much easier to let it slide and that is the curse you gift your child.

It is time to re-instigate the notion that our kids are contributors to the family.  With the benefits that come as a member of the family, there are also responsibilities that must be met with accountability.  Life is about balance.  With play, there comes work.  With success, there comes failure. With mistakes, there comes learning.

• Establish family principles that you agree to live by
• Define household rules (in advance vs. “on-the-fly”)
• Empower your children to make independent decisions and let them experience the success or the failure
• Let them experience the mistakes so they can learn
• Let them experience real joy at play because they know what a hard day’s work looks like
• Seek not to be the guardian of their life; seek to be the example
• Don’t make the decision for them. Teach them how to judge.  Then let go and let them seek the truth from what  they have learned from doing it on their own.

The time is now.

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute: www.beyourverybest.org.

I hear it over and over again from employers how challenging it is to employ this generation of Millennials.

Without bias, however, there are far more stories of praise then criticism.  One cannot make generalizations about this group because they are so diverse.  I have read many articles posted on the internet about the frustrations of this workforce only to be followed by blogs from Millennials debating the assertions of ineptitude, laziness, indifference, and arrogance.

While one lacks initiative and drive another takes on leadership roles with a drive that holds foremost values that protect the interests of the community.  These humanitarian entrepreneurs are frequently referred to as “philanthrapreneurs”.  Not a bad label, not a bad shift from those of the past whose blind ambition to make money has crippled our economy.

I often wonder, would this generation of Millennials have allowed the greed if they had been in leadership roles?  Yes, these Millennials have earned self-defacing titles in many ways.  Yet, in many ways, in their incompetence, comes brilliance.

The Millennial Generation

The Millennial Generation, approximately 75 million in all, is considered  the most technically advanced group in history.  They demonstrate a preponderance for team-oriented skills, banding together like no one before them.

Having balanced multiple activities growing up, they possess natural multi-tasking talents.

They don’t mind structure… in fact, they demand it.

They don’t mind working hard, they just might need more direction.

They respect positions of authority and want to please.

They possess humanitarian attitudes to such a degree, non-profits target them for recruitment.

While they may not enjoy entry level positions, they seek to be leaders with many of them bypassing employment and jumping directly into entrepreneurial opportunities.   Since their motto is “life is to be fun”, they gravitate towards a work environment that offers working in groups (for socialization) vs. climbing the corporate ladder for the sheer purpose of being recognized for their individual endeavors (too isolated).  In short, they prefer a worldly perspective versus the promotion of self-serving grandstand proliferation.

Hiring The Millennial Generation

Doesn’t sound like a bad group of employees to bring into a company looking to expand and grow.

In fact, these talented new workers are taking on leadership roles like never before.  But how do we, as employers, corral this bunch?

First, we have to look at how they were raised. - Their DNA makeup is ingrained with the notion that they are special and they are entitled to forgo certain responsibilities so that they can focus on their greatness….. or fun.  Our generation of “helicopter parents” have seen to it that they experience few disappointments, avoid painful learning lessons, and remind them again and again that their pursuit of happiness is foremost.

Our interference with their decision making skills have impaired them from this necessary qualification for employment.  We have protected them from stumbling and falling because we have been too involved in all of their decision making. And lastly, because we were raised by parents from the depression who preached “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “you have to pay the price”, this generation of parents swung the pendulum to the far side and promoted happiness versus hard work.  They were coddled, pampered, protected, and praised.

So this generation of workers need more coddling, pampering, protecting and praise than past generations.  Fight it if you like but they need more personal attention than past employees.  They require mentoring over managing.  They desire praise over criticism.  They like to be reminded how special they are. Give them the big picture and identify how their role is crucial to meeting that awesome goal and they are motivated.  Our generation would assemble the new barbeque without the directions.  This generation depends upon it; they need direction.  Having been raised in an era of personal coaches, they need direction regardless of their IQ or confidence.  When you find yourself frustrated with their performance, ask these simple questions:

• Have I explained the big picture?

• Did I spell out the steps to get there?

• Did I praise them or encourage their greatness lately?

While Millennials respect authority, you have to earn it. Practice what you preach.  No generation before them is more willing to call B.S. on inconsistencies or inequities.  Since they love working in groups, mentor in groups. Offer suggestions on the steps they might take and encourage them to seek resources not from the phone book but from the internet. Encourage them to give ideas or suggestions.  Remind them that they are extremely important to the success of your goals and turn them loose.

An employer that learns the difference between training and mentoring will unleash the greatness that does lie within this Millennial Generation. Respected animal trainers will tell you that the success of a reliable performance animal is not in the animal but in the trainer.  It requires persistence and patience.  While the greatness of the Millennial lies within, they need, they seek your kindness and respect when you are encouraging them to reach their next level of performance.  Greatness is achieved when the permission is granted.

———–

By Mark C. Hughes, Teen Life Coach for Parents & Teens @ The Karma Institute.  www.beyourverybest.org.

According to research conducted at the Josephson Institute of Ethics in California, 92 percent of teens surveyed admitted to lying to their parents at least once in the last year… and as the joke goes, “the other 8 percent lied about lying to their parents”. It is pretty simple- teens just don’t want to suffer the consequences of telling the truth. What’s the harm in a “little white lie”? A lot is at stake when it comes to our teenagers.

Failure on the parent’s part to create a safe environment for the teen to communicate their challenges with making good decisions leaves the teen making bad decisions. In a study, a thousand kids were interviewed and asked who they would like to go to with an issue? Almost all of them said, their parents. However, when asked who do you go to? Almost all of them said, “anybody but my parents”. When asked why? They responded, “If we did, we would get yelled at, or lectured, or grounded.”
This clearly illustrates the discrepancies that exist between parent and child. We can’t expect the teenager to tell us everything all the time, however, it is extremely important that we create a safe environment that encourages conversation and the opportunity to teach our adolescent child how to make good decisions. Ironically, an adolescent often doesn’t realize it’s wrong to break an agreement with their parent; they do so in an effort to prove their autonomy or to connect with peers, sometimes, almost unconsciously, because they knew you had a rule against it.

It’s fine that they are searching for their independence and defining their own identities, but at the same time, our children want guiding principles to help them in their search for independence. Our teens need their parent’s guidance on how to make sound choices while spreading their wings.

Starting Early -

Parents can model positive behaviors by being truthful with their children when they are young and telling them you expect the same honesty in return. If they catch you in a fib, they justify that it is okay to play the same game, but, over time, they up the ante, especially as young adolescents. Our children are never too young to understand the concept of being honest. Unfortunately, our society adheres to the philosophy that, at times, it is truly more convenient to lie. We rationalize that it saves the recipient from unnecessary pain or embarrassment or that it simplifies uncomfortable circumstances by minimizing the process of explaining one’s point of view.

What’s wrong with telling the truth?

It is the projection of how the other person is going to receive the information. Isn’t that really the case with dishonesty? Are we not more concerned with the receipt of the information than the delivery? That is exactly the root of problem with our teens sharing the truth. They are hesitant because they don’t want to deal with the reaction to the truth. Teens, like adults, lie for a number of reasons in an effort to avoid confrontation or evade a consequence imposed by their parents. Lets identify a few of the reasons we, as parents, encourage our kids to lie to us.

We Freak Out

No wonder the teen has chosen to go silent when their experience of telling the truth results in us launching off into ranting and raving about the ignorance and carelessness of their actions. The knee-jerk reaction is to impose consequences or, at the very least, point out how they have made a gross error in judgment. Now, honestly, how excited would you be if every time you shared a new adventure with someone, they scoffed at you?

There is a direct correlation between a strict parent or an overly opinionated parent and the degree of dishonesty they will receive from their budding teen. I believe the overly strict parent, in a genuine effort to curb their teen’s risk of making bad decisions, only fuel the fire. At this age, it is the job, the duty, of the teen to push their limits. They want to challenge their boundaries at every opportunity. It is the parent’s role to established clearly defined boundaries, based on rational guidelines, and then support the child to make good decisions within the framework of those boundaries.

If you are going to error, I advocate in the direction of listening to your teen about their interest in drinking, for example, and identify the risks and consequences of their decision, rather than encouraging them to be dishonest and put them in greater harms way by forcing them to make decisions from fewer choices available to them that may lead to deception and compromise their health, their safety, and their well being.

I coach parents several ways to stop, listen, reflect, and question without sounding authoritative and provide an environment that encourages dialogue and ownership of the decision making process. Remember when we used to say to our young children, “It’s very cold outside. Do you think you need a jacket?” The choice was theirs. It is the same principle but, whether we like it or not, now it comes with higher stakes. The toughest part for most parents is to listen to their teens, respect their point of view, identify a rational reasoning process, and then let them decide for themselves.

Practice what you Preach -

If you drink without regard to acceptable limits or moderation, then they will believe the same holds for them. If you demonstrate to them that lying to the door to door salesman is easier or stretching the truth with your friends to ease your own discomfort is okay, they will do the same. Whether we like it or not, our children are a reflection of who we are. Setting a good example is critical to establishing reasonable boundaries for your teens.

If you demonstrate little regard for the rules you establish for your teens, they will place little value on them, too. Simply calling the trump card is not enough; teens, by and large, won’t honor a rule based entirely on the fact that you are their parent and that is the way it is. You will get further if you practice what you preach.

Adult Responsibilities come with the Privileges, too -

A teen once told me that his parents expect him to carry his own weight by holding down several jobs. They have taught him to be quite responsible, however, they treat him like a child with curfews and ground rules unfitting a responsible young adult. Let your teen prove them self. Take baby steps if necessary but match the level of responsibility you require of them with the level of freedom you grant them to make rational decisions.Wouldn’t you rather be involved in the decision making process now when you are available to coach them rather than having them learn it on their own when they go off to college? As they learn from both good and bad experiences by holding down a job, let them have the same experiences with making decisions in their personal life. That’s the challenge facing most parents of teens but is well worth it in the end. The Center for Effective Parenting recommends that parents, “discuss why telling the truth is important… telling the truth lets other people know that they can be trusted.”

Rules that are Embraced by Teens are Essential -

I don’t think there is a human being alive that gets excited about a restriction that is imposed upon them without having an opportunity for their input. Developing a process where the teen has an opportunity to take ownership in the family agreements will result in greater adherence than those that are imposed arbitrarily. Granted, there may be rules that the teen may not agree with initially but it is essential that parent’s take the time to rationalize the thought process behind the ground rule.
This may require a willingness on both sides to start with a ground rule and be open to renegotiating down the road. Consideration should be given to the demonstration of the teen’s adherence to the ground rule in a responsible way. Should a new ground rule meet with resistance, begin with a starting point, define a pattern of behavior that would demonstrate responsibility, and establish a timeline for renegotiation where both parties can embrace the ground rule.

Freedom is greatest when the boundaries are drawn. Our coaching promotes clearly defining boundaries, establishing agreements that are embraced by both parent and child, and creating a safe environment where honesty and mutual respect is honored. For more information about our philosophy or to schedule an introductory session, please feel free to email me with your request.
by Mark Hughes

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If you are a single parent or teen, confused about whether or not you are heading in the right direction in your life and family relationships, call me today- 866.439.4877.
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